“You can’t drink, Ned!” That was said to me, when I was drinking by a doctor friend of mine. Unfortunately it was said to me on a night, when my wife and I were over at his house and I was pretty soused. We had been invited over to his house by he and his wife to play cards. I remember my reaction. It was, I’ll show you. We were sitting at their card table and I got up and walked out into his kitchen and opened a bottle of his scotch and poured myself a big stiff drink and walked back to where they were sitting and continued to drink. I also remember their reaction and that of my wife. It was one of shock and embarrassment.
I showed them all right. I showed them what I always showed others. What’s the old saying? The higher the monkey climbs the more of his backside he shows. My alcoholic false pride had certainly lifted me up to a position of exposure of that view for others to see. Years later, after I was sober, as I was doing my inventories, these memories came back to me. I had done what I always had done. I had insulted these good people and embarrassed them and my wife. That’s when I put them on my amends list. And, when the time came, I made my amends to them, although it never really mended that relationship. But I did it anyway.
I was thinking about amends today and talking about them with a friend. Regardless of the outcome of taking those actions, it was a freeing experience for me. My hope was that it would be the same for them. Perhaps it was. At least it lifted me out of their lives. But it was more than that.
What the action of the ninth step brought into my life was the miracle of this program. It opened the door to true freedom from the bondage of alcohol. Not only did it bring the promises of this program into fruition, but it was a step into the promise of the tenth. My fight with the world and it’s people was at an end. I lost that argument in my head. Without any effort on my part the thought of a drink was gone. Not that I had been thinking about a drink, but now it was not even a question anymore. On top of that, it was the first time I found forgiveness of my past actions for myself. More was that it began the end of all my resentments. That last one was one of the greatest reliefs. I had been weighted down by the effort it took to carry all those people around with me over the years.
Today, I continually carry the words the BB said at the beginning of the eighth and ninth step with me. Remember, it said, we said we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. I’m still willing. I need to remember that the longer I am sober. The possibility of a drink is still there. It always will be.