I wonder how many people have gone back to the bottle because of “just-in-case”? That thought came up today. It goes like this: I’ll hold onto such and such, just in case. If such and such happens, I’ll go back to a drink. If my partner leaves me, I’ll go back to this person…and then maybe I can drink again.
I can remember back to when my sponsor took me aside and had me deal with the “just-in-case” situations. He called them “reservations”. I did what he told me and we went through a whole list of these things. But today the thought struck me that there may be things I wasn’t aware of, which can come back to haunt me. Are there things there, which I don’t know about? And how would I know? How important is it?
A long time ago, an old timer told me that I probably should start my 10th Step as soon as possible. He said that the 4th Step was something else and I would deal with that when I was ready. But the 10th would keep things from piling up and overwhelming me. He pointed out to me that just because I didn’t want to drink again didn’t mean I wouldn’t. After all, I’m still and alcoholic. And, if the pile got high enough and came crashing down on me, I could find myself in a mental and emotional “jackpot”, which could spin me off to the drink again. The insanity could return and all reason gone from me.
I learned from my sponsor and a lot of those men back then that just accounting for my daily faults was not enough. I was often going to have to take these to someone else and tell them what was going on. I was told it was like letting the steam out so that I could get rid of the pressure. I saw a man do that today, when he spoke about a couple of incidents which had happened in rapid succession, which really had upset him.
I know from my own experience, when I thought to myself that I had taken care of something, only to have it come back in a day or two to haunt me and plague me with the weight of it. I know how careless I can be and how casual I can become and not pay attention to something I know full well I should deal with in talking to someone else. This is especially true the longer I stay sober.
How important is it? Very. Like that old timer said to me, just because I don’t want to drink again doesn’t mean I wouldn’t. Anyway, I needed to think about this just in case.