When is it that it occurs to the alcoholic that he can drink safely again? It must happen, because I see people going in and out of this program. I pray that the thought never comes into my mind. I know full well, at this point, what the consequences will be.
I was reminded of that today by two people. The one was a man, who had been back ten days and was fighting a drink. The other was a woman, who talked about what the BB said about this kind of thinking. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. No kidding.
The story of the man, who had stopped drinking for twenty-five years and then went back to it, when he retired. He began drinking again and found he couldn’t stop and died as a result. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Like the BB says, the persistence of this illusion, that we can control and enjoy our drinking, will lead us to the gates of insanity and death.
What’s the solution to this insanity? Because it is insanity. Surrender, of course. But the surrender has to be absolute. The 1st Step in the 12&12 reminds us that we have to as willing as the dying can be. We have to believe alcohol will kill us. Because, if we don’t, we’re liable to fall back into that insane illusion that it’s safe to drink again.
I was sitting about ten feet away from this man, who was coming back. When I spoke, he turned and I was able to look him in the eyes. I could see in him myself. That look must have been in my eyes, when I came to this program. A look of desperation. His desperation is that he’s fighting the drink. Mine was that I wasn’t fighting the drink, I was fighting to get in here. I knew at that point I was finished and an alcoholic death was only a step away. I wanted, more than anything in this world, what this program had to offer me; freedom from alcohol.
After the meeting, I felt the need to sit and reflect on all of this and to be grateful for what I have found here and to be sober today.