I was told we are creatures of habit. I know I am. And I’ve heard a lot of alcoholics say the same thing. The problem is, what kinds of habits? When it comes to bad habits, I can do it once and it seems to be imprinted in me like a long time friend. If it’s good, I can do it a thousand times over and it makes no impression on me. In fact it’s like lifting a ton weight.
I still don’t get it.
Getting rid of my bad habits and resolving to replace them with the good is a war. At times I am aware of the violence within in me. I was told that, when we get rid of a negative, we have to replace it with a positive. If we don’t there’s a vacuum, which I will find being filled with a lot of negatives. If I stop the lying I brought into the program, when I came in, then it’s incumbent on me to replace it with honesty. Rigorous honesty the BB tells me. If my anger is in my way, I have to replace it with love and tolerance. None of this is easy for me and I still find myself in combat at times.
The bottom line is sobriety. If I want to stay sober, I have to continue to try on a daily basis to resist the negative and grab onto the positive. As I see it, it’s a full time job. Backsliding is always available to me. That’s where the 10th Step and Steps 6&7 have to be part of my conscious contact with my higher power. Usually through others, at meetings and in private.
For instance the good habit of going to meetings usually comes to mind. I like going to meetings and I do on a regular basis. But it’s not always easy. Sometimes I can come up with reasons I shouldn’t and have to overcome that negative way of thinking. I learned that way back from my sponsor. He told me to go to meetings whether I wanted to or not. He started to drill that into my thinking, because one of my bad habits was one of making excuses for myself. Rationalization. He knew that was one of my weaknesses, because he was the same way. He knew that once I got into the habit of missing meetings, that I would end up not going ever again. And then where would I be?
Anyway, I started thinking about this in the morning and I’m still aware of it and turning it over in my mind. I spoke of it in the meeting today and talked about it with a friend. I need to be conscious of this fault and aware everyday. It’s part and parcel of my alcoholism. Part of the Serenity prayer. What is it that I can change and what is it that only God can change? I know I can find the wisdom I need through counseling with others just like me. A lot of my sobriety depends on this.