Getting ready for today, I found myself projecting into the future. I mean I recognized what was wrong almost immediately. It was worry about a relative and at the same time a good friend, who is ill in the hospital. Of course, as always, it goes back to past experiences.
Staying in the day is where it’s at. I have to stay where I am at the moment. I don’t always do that and I know how much energy I waste when I don’t. Experience has taught me that it’s not worth losing a few hours or longer in such a wasteful exercise. It’s so difficult for me to start the day over, when I find myself someplace down the road, where I don’t belong.
When I’m like that I know that my guard is down and I’m open to unleashing my character defects and not being in a sober state of mind. Instead I can find myself acting out an emotinal binge. The consequences are that I’m liable to suffer an emotional hangover. Just the penalty I have to pay for allowing myself to slip into a kind of state of daydreaming and being unaware.
This morning I was fortunate that I caught myself just in time. It allowed me enough time to send up a call for help from my higher power. I got what I needed, but I still have to keep my guard up, because the thoughts I had are still just around the corner, trying to pull my mind back into the future.
It’s at times like these that I have to continue to step up to the plate and stay in the present moment. Not an easy task for this alcoholic. I am aware of how much I need help at this point in my day. Even in my attempts at meditation I realized how strongly I was tempted to let the thoughts of projection back into my consciousness.
Anyway, I felt I had to sit down and write out my thoughts about what’s going on in my head. Hopefully it will help me to stay in the now. I know from experience how such projection can take over, not just for the day, but sometimes a whole week and the havoc it can wreak. I’ve talked to others, who have gone through the same process and just how dangerous it became to them and their sobriety.
Sounds dumb, now that I look at it, but that’s just me for now. But just looking at this has made me more alert and more able to concentrate on what’s important; my primary purpose. That’s really what I should be thinking about at any given time in this day.