Every time I think about some things in the BB, I am always amazed at Bill W.s knowledge and insight into the mind of the alcoholic. He was always so right.
Today, while talking to another alcoholic, I was reminded of what he said about the alcoholic being self will run riot. He said, even though the alcoholic doesn’t think he is. Now I can testify that it often describes me. At the time I’m caught up in my rebellion I think what I’m thinking or doing is justified. I’m right.
I’ve talked to many alcoholics over the years and rebellion is something to which they all admit they have within themselves. I don’t want to do God’s will at times. I don’t want to follow the program at times. And it doesn’t strike me at the time that I’m off the track. Only after I run into a brick wall does it appear just how off the beam I am.
I’m really looking for trouble, but don’t think I am. How unaware I am of how much trouble I could be facing. Like a drink for instance.
That’s why keeping my primary purpose in the front of my mind is so important. I didn’t come to this program to drink. I came because I no longer wanted to drink. I couldn’t stop drinking on my own. I tried so many times and failed every time. Only coming into AA did my alcoholic drinking stop. And all that was due to a spiritual awakening. Something I never could think of on my own. What on earth would possess me to rebel and let my self will run riot? Insanity?
I know I have been restored to sanity, as far as alcohol. Like the BB says, I’ve been placed in a position of neutrality. A drink never occurs to me no matter what the circumstances. It says we’re neither cocky nor afraid. Maybe the insanity is cockiness.
Feeling so secure that nothing could get me to drink. Really?
I have to remember that once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Deep down within that next drink is always there, though I may not be conscious of it. And there’s the danger. I can never afford to forget that. That’s why I go to meetings. To be reminded of what I can often forget.
It takes willingness and awareness to stay sober. It takes action on my part to practice these spiritual principles through the Twelve Steps. Self will, rebellion is something to which I know I need to pay attention. That’s why the Tenth Step and talking to others honestly is so important.
Anyway, that’s what I was thinking about today. I pray that I can remember what a hazard denial is to me and my sobriety.