Had to think about one of the essentials to sobriety today. Perseverance.
One of the things I eventually came to recognize in my pursuit to stay sober was that I had to learn to hang in no matter what. No matter what the seeming discouragement was, at times I had to learn to grit my teeth and refuse to quit. My sponsor told me that I had to have the determination of a bulldog.
One of the things that helped me was that I began to learn that we all have problems. At times they would seem to overwhelm me. I didn’t realize, although I thought I knew everything, that one of the hazards I faced was my emotions would often blow everything out of proportion. The smallest problem seemed as big as a mountain. Self pity and depression would drag me down into a ditch. Fear of impending doom would hang over me like a cloud.
During those moments, my sponsor would encourage me to “act as if”. Act as if everything was okay. Act as if I was sober. He pointed out to me that if I continued to do that, it would come true. I did try and often what he said worked out for me. But, it wasn’t always an easy task.
The other thing, the most essential, was to pray and ask for help. He told me that if I did that I didn’t need to worry. He said that I had to have hope and faith. Then he told me to let go of whatever it was that was bothering me. Again, it wasn’t easy and I often failed. But I continued to hang in and not quit.
What was driving me forward was that I never wanted to drink again. He told me that one of the requirements to get sober was that I had to want it. I had to want the solution that was being offered to me. If I didn’t he said that there was not much anyone could do for me. Thank God for my bottom. The memory of that drove me forward.
Sobriety I have found is not an overnight event. It takes a long long time. The ups and downs are part of this journey, especially early on. It’s like riding a roller coaster I found. I remember my sponsor’s wife telling me that eventually we begin to even out and get more balance in our lives. I could only hope.
One of the rewards of that 2nd Step is hope. It’s more about hope than it is in an actual faith or belief. At least at the start of this journey. Hope that a higher power, something besides myself, bigger than myself, could restore me to sanity. And all I had to do was hang in, persevere, and hope that the solution, as a result of working these Steps into my life would bring about a psychic change, the spiritual awakening.
And, of course they did. The change in me began to appear, though I didn’t have a clue for a long time. Others told me that they could see the changes, but I almost couldn’t hear them, because I was still caught up in myself. Humility from ego deflation in depth was still just around the corner. However, I was to become more sensitive, as time went on, to those moments of humiliation essential to puncturing the balloon of my ego and getting me down to right size. To get things into the proper perspective.
Someplace in the BB, it tells us that we are born again. I kept pushing that statement aside as some kind of pablum. But I was to learn that I was an immature child, when I came in.
I was going to have to learn to grow up. A process I somehow had missed through my years of drinking. I’m sure that wherever I am in this process, I’m still growing. The job is never done.
The sanity, as far as alcohol is concerned, has been restored a day at a time. But the other remnants of the insanity of my thinking and living keep popping up. My character defects. My humanity. My self centered thinking. The need for the 2nd Step on a daily basis.
As we talked about these things today, my mind scanned the life I have led so far in this program. Despite the junk, which appears within me from time to time, this has proved to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t help but be grateful for all that has been given to me.