Boundaries. I never had boundaries before I came to the program. I would invade peoples spaces and they would invade mine. A crazy way to live I discovered, when I stopped drinking. And it took time for me in this program to find out what I was doing and others were doing to me.
Thank goodness for my sponsor, who helped me to find out what I was doing. It was him, who not only pointed out this defect of character, but helped show me how to stop and helped me set up boundaries for myself. I found out it was part of my old ideas and I had to get rid of them or else.
One of the discoveries I made was that, when I crossed someones boundaries I became involved with them. I took on their problems which were none of my business. The same with them crossing my boundaries. I first had to learn to set up my own and that not only kept others from getting too personal with me but me with them. I learned how to let my barriers down and when to put them back up. It helped an awful lot, when I began to work with others in trying to help them stay sober.
I never knew before how much damage I did by not having boundaries for myself or respecting others boundaries. I had to learn how not to react to someone coming too close. I learned to keep my mouth shut and not to let my emotions dictate to me in response. To stay cool in all circumstances and to respond with a quiet smile or no smile at all to what others said to me. Eventually it became second nature. To think with my head and not my heart.
It was the beginning of learning how to grow up and how to live. Something I had missed in all the years before I came here. I had to learn how to keep my character defects to myself and not bring them out, as I had in the past. To only raise them, when sharing with a sponsor or another sober alcoholic, when they became problems for me.
The mechanics of all this were too subtle for me at first. But following my sponsor’s example and the example of a lot of those old timers, I began to be able to act like them. And when I did, I began to see how others began to respect my space, when I started to respect theirs. It was amazing to this ignorant drunk, who blindly never had respect before, for others or myself.
Why is this on my mind today? Part of it was that at the meeting today, we talked about the lines in the BB about the need to get rid of our old ideas or the results would be nil. Like that word “nil”. We all have to start someplace and this was one of the most obvious to my sponsor. I remember at the time, when we talked about getting rid of my old ideas, I asked him what about the good old ideas I had. I still laugh today at his response. He squeezed one eye shut and got this cockeyed smile on his face and laughed. “You have no good old ideas.” was the response.
The beginning of change of my character in order to stay sober. And, like so many others I’ve known in their beginnings in here, it was part of my coming to believe in a power greater than myself, which supported my efforts in change. It began with the hopes I had formed, which turned into faith and dependency on my higher power, who in turn empowers me to change and live this sober life I have today.
Like my character defects, the old ideas are someplace under the surface. Fueled by carelessness and emotional storms, they can reappear in no time. However, each day I awake, I try to remember to attempt the 3rd and 11th Steps. To turn my will and life over to the care of the God of my understanding and improve my conscious contact and seek His will for me. It works a lot better than the ideas I had before. It’s part of what helps me to stay sober and live a sober life.