A talk with a good friend of mine in the program led to limitations. Not something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about lately. I should have, because there I was faced with having to deal with my limitations today.
I guess another way of saying all of this is that I had to turn to the Serenity Prayer again. The things I cannot change. Like the Second Step tells me, lack of power that was our dilemma. Certainly was and is.
The minute someone presents me with a problem, my first instinct is to start seeking the answer. Talk about ego. I knew the minute I heard the one I was presented with today that I probably had no way of solving it. But something often times wants me to fix it in order to unburden the person suffering with the problem. Fortunately I hesitated and said, “I don’t know the answer to that.”
But I wanted to say something like, “I know just what to do.” Is that nuts or what? It’s my ego wanting to control. My self-centeredness, because I am indirectly involved in their problem. My thoughts tell me “I” need a solution. Even though there is nothing I can do, just the fact that it somehow “involves” me. And even if I could possibly offer something I know that in the end it would be unacceptable.
What is it within me that wants to control these things? If I was truly honest I would go back and take another look at that First Step again. The word unmanageable. That’s what I brought into this program. An unmanageable life. I was out there always trying to control everything and failed time and time again. And what drove me to do that? Fear. My ego.
Now here I am. Sober. My life has changed and I have a Higher Power I depend upon. Not myself, if I am truly honest. I need to pray and turn things over that I cannot change. I have to get out of my own way and the way of others. Who do I think I am? I have limitations. There is only so much I really can do. Doesn’t mean that, if I am presented with things that I can change, then I shouldn’t. It only means that those things where I lack power I need to let be and ask for guidance. And that’s where talking with others and getting honest with myself comes in.
And that’s when I really need to begin to pray. Not to ask my Higher Power to fix it, because that might not be His will in this. But I could pray for the people involved and then try to let go. I realized, especially after my talk with my friend, that I need to give it up. I’m totally, 100% powerless.
That old saying I’ve read and heard from time to time, “in spiritual matters it’s dangerous to go it alone”. I need to talk and share and then listen. How many times, when I’ve heard that statement, I wish I had known that back many years ago. But that was then and this is now. This is when I need it.
Anyway I was glad my friend brought up that word “limitations”. I needed to hear that and be made aware of my faults and get back on track. To put my faith and trust into action and then try to achieve what the Serenity Prayer says to me. “Grant me the serenity…” Only if I accept.