I was thinking about a number of things this evening. One of them had to do with emotions, mine and someone else. The other had to do with a word I rarely talk about. I keep it on reserve. I feel it’s a private matter, but a few people at the meeting today made me think about it. It kept rising up and was hard to put on hold, because it kept bothering me. That word is “love”.
The emotional stuff was about my temper. I didn’t do anything about it, but it kept on in the background of my mind. Finally I knew I had to do something about it. So, with the help of my Higher Power I decided to use my head. To stop letting my feelings run my life. Years ago my old sponsor took me aside one day and told me that my head was on my shoulders for a reason. I was to use it instead of my emotions. I still remember him telling me this. So that’s what I did and I let my thoughts take over and eliminate the feelings. And it went away.
And that leads me back to the other person, who, after the meeting mentioned that their emotions would come up and control them. I stopped and turned around and told this person what my sponsor said to me. He told me to think with my head and not my heart. For a moment they seemed surprised and then said that sounded right to them. Never can tell. They were feeling sorry for someone, who had just come back from a drink. It’s one thing to know that someone has a problem, but, if we let our emotions get out of control and sympathize, we too could end up just like them. Empathy is one thing, but sympathy can lead us to feeling sorry for ourselves. That’s what I learned in here. One of the reasons we never go on Twelfth Step calls by ourselves.
And I guess that leads me to my thoughts on love. After all the Twelfth Step is just that. Not so much a feeling, as an action word. Freely giving away what was so freely given to us. Understanding the suffering of someone just like me and being willing to help them, just as I was helped. Of course it might not work out, especially if the person is not ready and doesn’t want to listen. I’ve seen that over and over through the years. But it doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter I was willing, as are most of us.
Then the other facet of love refers to my Higher Power. That’s what I was reminded of in the meeting. I often hear others talk about the love of the God of their understanding. I listen and think about what is said, but rarely mention it. Like I said, I generally reserve those thoughts. It’s like it’s between myself and my Higher Power. Not something I talk about. Yet it’s always there, often in the background of my mind. Occasionally it comes to the front and I deal with it in solitude.
But something hit me today. One person in particular mentioned it and I got caught up in what they said. I guess that’s because of the way I grew up. Love was rarely talked about, if at all. My thought is that it was something no one talked about. It was like it was reserved for each individual to deal with on their own. To talk about it would be embarrassing. Humiliating. Again, I guess. I really don’t know.
Does my Higher Power, the God of my understanding, love me? Do I love Him? That’s pretty much what this person said. Like I said, I’ve heard it often, but this caught my attention today and didn’t go away.
Looking back at what has happened to me, as this person did, I would have to say “yes”. Hard to argue with the facts. My being given sobriety on “request” in desperation. The hope and the faith, which was the result of that is another factor. Working the program presented to me has led me to a new understanding of love. The result of hope and faith. There is no arguing with the grace and gifts, which have been given to me. I know, if I pay attention, that this love is available to me each and every day.
Do I personally love my Higher Power? Again the answer is “yes”. I would have to be stupid to ignore all the blessings I’ve been given and not act in gratitude. To become willing to seek and do the will of the God of my understanding.
And that’s enough from me tonight. I truly am grateful for my sobriety.