Reading one man’s thoughts on the Third Step brought a lot of my past in the program back to me. What I was looking at were my struggles early on. As my sponsor was quick to point out to me, I really had no idea what I was doing. The truth was that I really wanted to stop drinking. I never wanted to drink again, but the program was really a mystery to me.
What the man was talking about was Who was the manager. He found out that his life was unmanageable and definitely needed someone to manage it for him. Me, on the other hand, knew the words, but had no idea of what was behind them. Turning our life and our will over the care of the God of our understanding really never became clear to me for a long time. Didn’t mean that I wasn’t moving through the Steps, I was. Just had a lot of misunderstanding.
I had no reservations, when I surrendered in that First Step. Powerless, yes. Unmanageable, yes. Then came the Second Step, which I had avoided, but finally was pushed into it by my sponsor. Once over the hump of my intellectualizing, and analyzing, I came to believe in a Higher Power. The rest was cloudy at that point. Never went back to the First at that time, so, not the powerless over alcohol point, but my life being unmanageable got lost in the dust. Not that I didn’t believe it, it was just that I thought I was done with the First. Wrong!
Then faced with the Third, I really got stumbling and fumbling. My first road block was as crazy as I was at the time. I thought that, if I were to turn my will and life over to God, I would become a robot and end up in India working with Mother Theresa. Like I said crazy.
Then I was able to get by that Third Step and on the road with the rest of the Steps. But there was a stumbling block. As I said, I wasn’t looking at the unmanageable side of my life. So, I really wasn’t looking for a manager. I had found out that I was still in charge of my free will and that I was the one, who still had to make the decisions and choices. And eventually, after hitting road blocks and stumbling and falling down, that I was definitely not in a good place.
All this took time, riding that roller coaster of early sobriety. And that too hid a lot of what the problem was. I learned that the ups and downs in early sobriety were pretty common. But eventually the lack of spirituality within began to become clearer and clearer. Thank my Higher Power for my sponsor and others, who were watching over me and encouraging me to continue to stay and continue to go to meetings.
Some of what I began to learn, as time went on, was the importance of my Higher Power in my life. And also that we never stop working these Steps, if I wanted to stay sober. It was the practice to continue to stay sober and some of the habits I developed over that time. One of them was that I had begun to keep a journal. And it was in that journal I began to write what was going on with me, what I had read that I wanted to remember, what I had heard at meetings, what people were saying to me in the program. All that stuff.
Around that time the words “a spiritual life” began to sink in. I began to practice prayer and meditation, the Eleventh Step. Slowly I became aware of the some of the things which had happened to help me get sober and to this program. For instance I had actually prayed that last night drinking and had begged God to stop me from drinking. And the next day the drink was gone. Five days later I came into the program. I have been here ever since and haven’t wanted a drink in all of that time. Talk about a spiritual awakening.
But I was unable to see that for a long time. I was going to have to back off from trying to run my life. Eventually it became clear that my life was unmanageable still. I needed help and by that time I was aware of where that help had to come from. My Higher Power.
Over time I have grown to have hope, faith, and love in this program. All of that, because I became willing to persevere and not quit. To keep coming back and trying each and every day. Hope began to be fulfilled, and faith grew from that. And, as I progressed in this program I began to have gratitude. And that gratitude did what this program wanted. For me to stay sober and help another alcoholic like myself. And I began to care for others.
Anyway, that reading of that man’s words made me sit down and think and meditate on the word manage. I pray that I may stay alerted to the fact that I’ve been restored to sanity, as far as alcohol, but I still have my faults. I’m still human and subject to all the errors we all face. We all have problems and often stumble and fall. Not perfect and not a saint. Just another alcoholic, who is staying sober a day a time. And grateful.