One of the many thoughts, which penetrated my head today was about two words, “self control”. That was one of the many things I failed at, when I was out there drinking. I never had self control. Alcohol was controlling everything. Then I come in here and I slowly begin to learn something about self control. Took time. But then time takes time. Especially with this alcoholic.
A couple of us, after the meeting, were really touching on this subject. Learning to change our minds. Not an easy lesson, but fortunately for us the spiritual solution began to penetrate me within. First with alcohol, the physical part of this disease, then mentally, and eventually spiritually.
However one of the things I have learned in here is that my alcoholism is only arrested. I’m not cured. It’s still there down within in me. Just because I don’t want a drink and I never think about it, does not mean that I’m done. Even though it may seem that I’m okay, the truth is that it still is only a day at a time. The drink is still waiting for me. That’s why I need these meetings to be reminded of what is wrong with me and to continue to learn what it is I need to keep me sober. I still need what it is that works in here. Those Twelve Steps and the rest of this program. The spiritual solution.
One of the roadblocks in recovery is my ego. A famous psychiatrist said one time that the ego is really not us. The ego is made up by me, as I grew up. It’s the result of all that went on in the process of growing and maturing. It was there to protect me, so to speak. Who I really am is not apparent. I may seek to find that by trying to get rid of my ego, but no matter how hard I try it resists destruction. Any of us in this program, who have tried over and over to control our egos can testify that it’s not going anywhere soon.
Though I may have had a spiritual awakening, which arrested my alcoholism, placing me in a position of neutrality, as far as the drink is concerned, the character defects, which make up much of this ego of mine are still there. And that’s one of the jobs I have to face daily, if I’m to stay sober. How to deal with these defects. Just because the Steps have introduced me to what these defects are, and Steps Six and Seven have probably reduced the problems within each of them, or at least some, does not mean that when I wake up each day that they are gone. And it is these, which could threaten my sobriety, if I’m not aware and willing to do something about them each day I stay sober.
This is where my hope and faith in my Higher Power comes in. I need all the help I can get, from my fellow alcoholics, the Steps, the program, as expressed in the BB and the 12&12. But my personal relationship with a Higher Power is so important for this alcoholic, especially when one of my defects rears its ugly head and tends to take over. My self controlling ego wants to exercise it’s power and take control. Look what happens to me, when I lose my temper. When I’m angry and want to retaliate at who or whatever made me respond this way.
Or did they? Good question. Why we have this Tenth Step in this program. If I have developed an open mind, and open heart, and can be rigorously honest with myself, I may discover what’s really going on. Where I am wrong. Doesn’t mean that there isn’t a problem on the other side from what I believe is the cause. That really is none of my business. My business is me. And, if I do this on a regular basis, with the help of my Higher Power, it can be the beginning of something I have needed for a long, long time. Self control.
To put it another way, what Dr. Harry Tiebout, an old friend of Bill W. and this program promoted, ego reduction in depth. Something he always advocated and tried to help us learn. And, again, that’s where my Higher Power and this spiritual program has been able to help me learn over time. I still have a long, long way to go. But I never want to drink again and hopefully I will continue to try to do better.
Just thinking about sobriety once again.