Talking to a lot of people lately something has become apparent. I could see what I was like for quite a while in here. I could not get along with a lot of people. I would find myself irritated. Angry. Of course, resentful. And sometimes, maybe more, I would feel self pity. One thing began to become clear.
It became a more clear that I was going to have to change or be putting my sobriety in grave danger. I never wanted that so I made up my mind to try to find out how to get past all of this stuff. I was going to have to change.
The first thing was relationships in general. Somehow I had to learn about boundaries. I had to find out how to put boundaries between myself and others and to respect their boundaries. That wasn’t easy but I learned from others that this was necessary, if I wanted to have relationships with others. And over time I did.
The other was that I was going to have to learn how to put this spiritual life into my relationships. I needed to learn how to back off at times, when I really didn’t understand what was going on with others. The truth is that covered about everyone I knew. Apparently I missed what I had once studied and even had some experience with. But alcohol had really dissolved all of this within me. I was going to have to begin to practice compassion and understanding.
One of the other things I was going to have to deal with was what I really didn’t recognize. That like all chronic alcoholics I had inherited a huge ego. Like Dr. Harry Tiebout said that we needed ego deflation in depth. And, fortunately for me, my old sponsor and those old timers wasted no time in knocking me off my pedestal. I look back and am grateful that they took the time and effort to do that.
I had to learn to stop making judgments of others. I mean most of what I was practicing I found out was prejudicial. I had to learn to back off and give others a chance to be themselves. One thing I did learn was that other people had problems just like I did. I was going to have to learn how to understand myself and then others. Not easy but I had to learn how to back off being over critical.
At one point I discovered what a lot of others went through. After a few years in here I slipped down into a totally dark depression and had to get help. I had reached a point where I threw my sponsor out of my house. I wasn’t talking to others. Probably because I had no idea of what was wrong at the time. I did go through therapy for about two years and had the help of a few close friends, who had learned to put up with me from the beginning.
And, of course all of this had to have the practice and support of the spiritual way of life we needed to live in here. And here came one of those lessons I had failed to learn in my entire life. Discipline. Another acquaintance of mine and I talked about this in a meeting the other day. Not easy to learn this, but I needed to learn how to shut up and listen and then do what I was told. Not easy for an alcoholic who wants to be in charge of everything in my life. I had to learn to back off and do what I was told.
I’ll stop here and focus on why I was thinking about this and hope those I was sharing with will do the same. And what’s that? It’s all about why I am here in the first place which gives me the incentive I need to change. I am here to stay sober a day at a time. To ask for the help I need from my Higher Power and all those I have received help from in this program. And to be willing to thank all for what I have been given in here.