We were talking about the First Step today and the reaction was great. Heard a lot of things which were repeated over and over again. One of those, besides the pain, which caused us to surrender, was hope and honesty.
Up to the point, when I was faced with total despair because I could not stop drinking, the one thing which opened the door away from suicide, was hope. I heard a couple of other people mention hope also. It was hope which got me to stop and really pray for the first time in years. And that changed everything in my life.
When I say I “really prayed”, it’s because I was being honest for the first time in years. I knew nothing about alcoholism or AA. But I did know that alcohol owned me and held me as its slave. I couldn’t get away from drinking. Every time I turned around I had a drink in my hands. But whatever the truth was about my drinking, it never hit me until I finally asked for help from the God of my understanding. I never thought of the word “alcoholic”, but I did admit I couldn’t stop drinking on my own. I needed all the help I could get to stop me from drinking.
And the result of this was that I did get all the help I needed. I awoke the next morning and alcohol was gone from me. It really never has come back. For that I’m totally grateful. But for the first time I had to admit that I was powerless. I could do nothing myself. If I wanted the help I received I had to surrender and admit my helplessness. I had to accept the truth of my situation. I also had to admit that my life was totally out of my control. It was completely unmanageable.
Although the unmanageable life was to return in the form of my defects and faults, I was freed of the physical nature of what I came to accept as a disease. Alcoholism. The spiritual awakening and the restoration to sanity, which place alcohol in a position of neutrality.
To me a miracle.
And so today we all were talking about the peace and the happiness of being able to stay sober and free of alcohol. A new way of life, as the result of practicing this program. Something which did not happen overnight. However I did remember today that after I did get into this program I experienced what was called “the pink cloud”. That was a period of time in here, where I didn’t really have to think for myself. I just followed whatever was put in front of me. I forget how long that lasted, but, like all who have gone through this, I remember “falling through space and hitting the ground with a thump”. A wake up call back into reality. It’s when I had to voluntarily become willing to put this program into action.
Anyway all of us were thinking almost the same thing about staying sober a day at a time. Our most important goal in here. Not drinking and living this way of life…just for today. Remembering that no one can do for me what I must do for myself. To stay sober.
I just am glad that I am where I am. Have the peace, the freedom, the happiness. How grateful I am. I want to thank my Higher Power, my old sponsor, and all those old timers, who had the courage to deflate this over sized ego of mine over and over again. It helped me to realize who and what I am and what I needed to do. And then all those who came after them and have helped me to stay sober. Thanks.