Today I was pushed back into thinking about a lot of what I lack. Humility. I think that word comes from the Latin word, humus. It means earth, or dirt. Getting our egos out of the way and putting our feet on the ground. Not always an easy task for this chronic alcoholic.
I know that all began in here, when I got sober. The first step in this regard began when I was publicly told, in a meeting, to shut up. I mean that old timer broke into my speaking at a meeting, when I had been called on. He told me I had to take the cotton out of my ears and begin to listen. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I knew how to drink, but I had no idea how to get sober.
My reaction began as anger, and then suddenly I heard something within telling me what he had just said was good for me. Where that came from I didn’t know. All I knew was that it calmed me down and helped to start me in this program.
The next step in humility came from my old sponsor. He was the one who told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I knew. That I was educated beyond my intelligence. That knocked the wind out of me. For a while I was reduced in my ego. The start of ego deflation in depth I had heard about in here.
However I know that I will often always find myself drifting back into my self centered ego, no matter how long I’m able to stay sober. All this because I’m still human and not a saint. That’s what the BB tells me. Of course I know that the BB also tells me that I have to continue to practice a spiritual way of life, if I want to stay sober. So it’s up to me to try to get out of my own way.
One of those tools, which will always help me is the Twelfth Step. I know it helps me forget me. It turns my mind and my heart to the person I’m trying to help get sober. The same is true I have found, when I am asked to reach out to help and share with another alcoholic in here. And that always makes me grateful to those, who by example showed me how to do these things. And it always reminds me that I have a Higher Power, who is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
Then there are all those Steps in here, which continue to help me to try to change. Especially that Tenth Step and that spiritual axiom, which tells me that whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. And that continues, when I can get it into action, to try to forgive others and myself. Not always easy. But then there’s the Eleventh Step followed by the Twelfth.
Anyway, during the meeting today I was reminded of all of this. It took me back and reminded me, as always, of why I am here. And that always helps reduce my self centered thinking. I am here to stay sober a day at a time. That always takes me back to my being helped by hope to once again get the faith I needed to ask for the help I needed to surrender to my being powerless over alcohol. The beginning of freedom from the neutrality I was placed in, as far as alcohol is concerned.
All of this made me grateful for the miracles I have received in my life in here. I have to thank my Higher Power and all those, who have reached out to me and helped me to change through this program.