Staying sober is part of what so many of us conversed about today. For me it’s the most important part of my life. I never ever want to forget that. It’s really why I am here. Without sobriety I would have been gone long ago.
So, when I and so many others of us, with whom I talked today, are disturbed by those, who come in and then leave, come back, and do it over and over again, it makes me question and ask what is so wrong with them. If they are having problems with alcohol, then why don’t they surrender and stop drinking?
The answer most told me was their thinking that there is a lot of mental illness involved. Not able to face the truth about what is wrong with them. When it comes to this, I have to stop and look at myself. Hard for me to be able to answer what is wrong with others.
All I really know is what it was in my own case and what others have told me about themselves. The severe pain within me, despair that I could not stop drinking and I could not go on, because alcohol owned me and it was destroying my life.
Others like me were on the edge of suicide. I was on my way to kill myself, when someone stopped me and gave me hope. And it was that hope that led me to pray and ask God, as I understood Him, to stop me from drinking and living the way I was living, and I would do whatever it was that was wanted from me. And that changed it all. I was free for the first time. I never ever wanted to drink again. And it was the same for many others like me.
One of the things I learned from this was how much I had been lying to myself about what was wrong. Total dishonesty. I had to learn how to stop lying to myself and others. Not an easy task for any of us, because of our huge egos and being self centered. And fear. Never want to forget all of this.
I came in here and learned I had a disease and I needed to change. I also had to become spiritual and grow along spiritual lines. And none of this was easy, because it meant that I had to learn to give up control of what I really never could control. Just lied to myself and, being immature, I felt the need never to let go of whatever it was I was telling myself I could do, but really couldn’t.
I had to learn to empty out my mind and listen to those, who had the experience and knew what it was I needed to do to change and never drink alcohol again. I had to get a sponsor, who could help me grow along the lines in here that I desperately needed. To learn how to not only listen, but to share. To freely accept what was freely being given to me.
Anyway, there’s more, but this is enough for now. I’m just grateful that, like so many others, I was able to surrender and come into this program and get sober. And to open and become a totally different person. And to discover that I really cannot do this program alone. I need all the help I can get. And it’s right here in front of me. And I only have to do it one day at a time. Amazing.