Today was one of those days where I was almost stunned by the meeting. It was mostly all about “me”. Each and mostly everyone was talking about their problems and their thinking. Hardly anyone got past “me”.
All I could think about was sponsorship and “we”. That’s the way I learned this program in here, when I came in. I also learned back then that the alcoholic had the largest egos in the world. And that’s where Dr. Tiebout stepped in and tried to encourage AA to practice ego deflation in depth. And that’s exactly what I experienced from my sponsor and those old timers.
When I finally had a chance to speak at the end of the meeting I told them what my sponsor said to me. It was that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. That opened the door for me to finally begin to listen and to learn. I was told to leave my thinking and what I had learned outside the door of the meeting room and come in and listen. Took time, but I finally was able to do that.
I also had to point out that the Steps don’t talk about “me”. The first word is “We”, not “me”.
I learned I couldn’t help me. I needed the help of others, who were sober and practiced this program. That’s what I had to learn. I also had to learn that this was not an overnight program. That time took time. And I learned that this was a day at a time. And how long was it going to take to learn this program? From the time I came in until I would pass away.
I always remember going on a Twelfth Step call with a big German woman to pick up a lady, who was very drunk and very sick. Took almost all night to get her ready and over to the hospital. Later, when we went back, when she finally was being released, we found that she was all mixed up. They took her to meetings on a regular basis, but she hardly even knew her own name. On and on it went for months. And then in one meeting she spoke and stunned everyone in the room. She made sense. And then she was rushed to the hospital, where she died in a short time. It was pointed out to me that she needed to get sober in a short time, because she had little time left. Never forgot that. But she had a good sponsor.
I couldn’t help but think today how much humility we all need in here. Not easy that’s for sure. In all this time I’m still learning. Plus I was told by my old sponsor’s widow that I needed to be number one, because no one could get sober for me. Only I could. But then I had to pay attention to others, if I wanted to stay sober. And I needed to learn to focus on staying sober one day at a time. I was told that I was not to project into the future, but to stay where my feet were and to go no further. To stay in the present and not to go forward or backward. Just right now.
Anyway, I had to stop and think about all of this today. And, of course, to focus on my being able to stay sober for just today. Made me grateful for my sponsor and all those old timers, who helped me. Not only that, I owe so much to my Higher Power, who gave me my spiritual awakening and restored me to sanity. All this has taken time and still does. Nice.