Once again I was reminded of just how our feelings and emotions can tear us up in here. It was part of our meeting today. I know from my past in here that I have seen the effects these can have on alcoholics like us.
Anger, resentments, hurt feelings, worry, anxiety, fear, and the list goes on. They can tear us up and drive us into perilous situations. Even cause us to pick up a drink and get drunk again and end our lives in that way. I’ve seen it too many times.
I can always remember my old sponsor telling me that I was to think with my head and not my heart. He and a lot of those old timers back then would always talk about the “I” over “E”. Intellect over our Emotions. How dangerous those emotions were was part of what we definitely needed to take care of. And I not only learned what to do, but I studied the problem. Bill Wilson even wrote about this in the Twelve and Twelve in the Eighth Step. The unconscious mind and its effect on us.
I read about the fact that there are “memories”, which got lost over time. We can’t remember, but our negative emotions do. Someone says something or does something, and before we know it, the emotions take us over and drive us into negative feelings, whether reality or not. They are running our lives and what we are thinking. Reason has vanished and we are being driven by these emotions. I’ve seen what the BB tells us about the results of resentments in our lives. That they can not only get us drunk, but kill us. My first sponsor lost his life that very way. And I’ve definitely seen this again and again.
I know I don’t want to go there and have to change, as I was told. That meant entering into the spiritual way of life in here, as that Second Step showed me. To not only think with my head and not my heart, but to place these “attacks” in the hands of my Higher Power. To learn to pray the minute I’m aware of the moment they arise within me. Over time it has worked.
However that doesn’t mean that I don’t stumble. I do, because I am human and not a saint, as the BB points out to us. And my sponsor and those old timers told me this would happen to me the rest of my life, right up until the end. Like they pointed out that I may begin my day with committing myself to staying sober this day through prayer and meditation. But along the way this mind of mine will often wander off and then I find myself stumbling from my old faults and defects. And I know I have to pay attention and take care of these.
Like they say, meeting makers make it. I not only believe that, but practice it the best I can a day at a time. I never ever want to drink alcohol again. And its this program, the Steps, my Higher Power, and the people in here, who are sober, which has helped me to stay sober. I have been given freedom and gifts, which have changed my whole life. I am grateful and hopefully give thanks for all I have been given.