It’s not that often that I want to go to meetings and don’t get there. Today I couldn’t go. I had a reaction to both sides. Peace on one side because it wasn’t my fault. But then there was also an uncomfortable feeling. Lack of having a contact with those attending these meetings.
So there I was, right in the middle of both sides. A sense of calmness, because of my not being able to overcome the reason I couldn’t go. And then I had this bit of edginess, because I felt out of the program picture for this short period of time.
And both those elements made me stop and think about what was really going on. It did bring up the point I adhere to on a regular basis. And that’s attending meetings in order to stay sober a day at a time. I know how it is important to me to be able to continue to learn what I need to know in order to practice this program.
I did try a couple of calls, but there were a lot of no answers, and the couple I did get in touch with didn’t have the time to talk. However there was the idea of prayer and meditation. In a way I had talked to my Higher Power earlier. And the thought of meditation was there, but so was interference from the outside and I had to step back and let go and deal with others.
And then there was another instrument I knew I could use, in order to improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power. And that is doing what I’m doing at this moment. Putting my thoughts down in writing. Something I attempt to do on a daily basis. I know it helps me to level out my thoughts and inner senses.
It also helps me to express my gratitude. Not in words but in my actions. My thoughts. Or, as my old sponsor would tell me, to think with my head and not my heart. To not let my feelings run my life. And that’s what I am doing at this moment.
Anyway I’ve taken the time to stop and reflect on why I am here. Because this is what it is all about. Staying sober each and everyday. This day. Right now. Again, this makes me grateful. And I hope that by doing what I am doing, I can express my gratitude to my Higher Power, and, from within, to my old sponsor, and those old timers, who are no longer here. I owe them so much. And I hope that I can attend a meeting tomorrow and be able to express my appreciation through my words and my actions. But that’s not now. What is now is in my thoughts, which I am expressing. Thanks.