One of the things we talked about today was the amount of lying and dishonesty we suffered from, when we came into this program. Almost everyone, regardless of the amount of time they had, admitted their dishonesty over and over again. Not only that, they talked about how they were able to admit their lying, and begin to get honest and tell the truth. Yet there were a lot, who spoke of how unconsciously they did find themselves slipping back into lying again.
As I sat there listening and sharing, a sudden memory came back to me. It was about my making amends to my mother. I had been sober quite a while, when I did this. When I finished my telling her, she sat there quietly for a moment, then spoke up. What she said almost flattened me. She said, “Furthermore…”. And she was serious.
Coming in here and working this program took time for me. A long time in a lot of areas of my life. Like they say, Time Takes Time. And I can remember stumbling and bumbling. I had to struggle to get past what was wrong with me. Even though I wasn’t aware of my defects, I had to listen to my sponsor and those old timers, who helped me to open the doors to my past behavior and thinking. It was a real hard. I discovered over time how I wanted to control my life and not surrender my faults. I still think I thought I knew, which turned out to be false.
All this raised the thought within me of the Serenity Prayer. I still have to go back to this to remind myself that I’m not in charge. It was my sponsor and this prayer, which brought the truth to me. There is nothing I can do to change anything in here, except myself. Like the prayer says, I have to have the wisdom to know what it is I can change. And that’s myself. But I need the courage and strength to do this. And that’s where I need to pray to my Higher Power for the courage and ability to undergo change. That and being willing to talk to others in sobriety, who can help direct my thinking, and give me the encouragement I need.
I can always remember how my sponsor, those old timers, and the BB told me that I’m still a human being. I may be free each day from drinking alcohol, but I need to know that I’m not cured. I never will be until I die. Like they point out I’m not a saint. Just another alcoholic, who needs help. I was told that I will probably stumble and bumble and tumble over my old defects and negative emotions. Then I was told that this will probably go on the rest of my life. I was told that, when I recognize this, I need to pray and ask my Higher Power for help, and get back on track. The spiritual way of life I need to continue to try to live. Like they said, imperfect at best. But it requires willingness on my part.
Anyway it was a good reminder to me today of what is right and what is wrong with me. I know that I have had miracles happen to me over and over again. I have a good life, but it is, as pointed out, a incomplete life within. I have to be able to recognize this and go to meetings and talk to others like myself, who are able to help me and me them. Makes me grateful. I need to thank my Higher Power, and all those in here, who have helped, and continue to do so.