One of those that I find, which can trip me up, is me. I can get in my own way. What my problem is, I have discovered over time, is me. I mean, here I am, trying to put this program into my life, focusing on staying sober a day at a time, trying to put my spiritual life into work everyday, and then I can find myself tripping up. I was told this would happen a long time ago.
I find this same thing, when I listen to others. They don’t always tell me this, but I can hear it in what they say. And I can see myself. It’s called over sized egos. Self centered in such a way I was never aware of it, until I came into this program and listened to my old sponsor and those old timers.
They would continue to cut me down to size, in order to make sure I heard what they were telling me how to continue to stay sober and grow along spiritual lines and stay sober. However they would also point out to me that I was not a saint. I was just a human alcoholic, who could trip over myself, stumble, and bumble, and tumble, and have to learn to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on keeping on. And this would go on until the day I died.
What they also told me was that I would need to stay sober a day at a time. To focus on that and continue to go to meetings on a regular basis. I was to learn to listen and to share what I have been learning in here by practicing this program, and following directions.
I also had to learn how to try to stay away from negative emotions. That is also in that Tenth Step in the Twelve and Twelve. That spiritual axiom, that whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us and not someone else. And that’s where I had to learn to face the truth that I can often blame someone else and start to hate, and resent, or be jealous, or feel injured and angry.
And these feelings would take over my life. I can remember, as far back as when I first came in, when my first sponsor went back out and drank alcohol again and died. It was resentment. It woke me up and helped me to get the help I needed in here. And still try to practice and live this way of life in sobriety.
Anyway, each and everyday I try to help and remind myself of what can get me in trouble. My being able to once again tell myself that I know how not to pay attention and drift off in my mind. Then I take over and begin to run my life again, just like I did before. Without being conscious of it, I’m in charge once again.
The BB tells me, in the Ninth Step, that the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Trying to keep focus on that is not always possible. Like I was told, I am human and not a saint. Like I began to talk about this, I have to keep trying to remind myself. But it’s not always possible. That’s why I keep going to meetings and talking with others, and trying to help those, who need to get sober. And I need to continue to grow in hope, faith, and love, and be grateful for all I have been given by my Higher Power, and all those in here, who have helped me over time.