One of the wake up calls for this alcoholic was in that Tenth Step, which pointed out to me that whenever I was disturbed there was something wrong with me. I learned that I had to let go of whatever I was reacting to and deal with my deep disturbance within. I was at fault.
This reinforced the action of negative emotions within me, which my sponsor and the old timers were helping me to focus on and get rid of. For instance, I remember what it was that woke me up. I was at dinner one night in the family, when one of the guests brought up something, which caused me to go into anger and a resentment. I got up and went outside, and then was hit with the truth.
I wasn’t angry with him, I was angry at myself. I had lied to a person I was close to, when I negated a visit I was supposed to have, in order to watch a football game. I remember that woke me up. Here I was, building up a resentment, which wasn’t even real, and discovered I was lying to myself, after having lied to a friend.
It was this, which reminded me of resentments I had, which fell down while I was making an amend to and old boss of mine. I had been sitting there, while he was talking, and I was getting angry because I wanted to make my amend and leave. When he finished talking I made my amend and left.
I got outside of his office and was on my way to the elevator, when the anger dissolved. I was stunned, because all of a sudden I felt this peace come down over me, and I was suddenly hit. All the resentments in my life disappeared. That’s when I woke up to the fact that they weren’t ever real.
They were part of my negative emotions, which falsified me because I wanted anger instead of fear I had. And slowly I became aware that my alcohol was driving me down, and I needed emotions to pull me up with anger at others. These emotions were running my life back then, and even now. I had to begin to discover how to deal with them.
And slowly I began to deal with these things, and began to step away from my negative emotions. I came to get rid of the negative and begin to live in the positive and at peace, as well as happiness. Like the BB states, the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. I know that like all alcoholics in the program I am not a saint. Just a human alcoholic, who will trip over myself and fumble and stumble. I need to ask my Higher Power for help, and talk to others, who can help me change again, and stay sober a day at a time. To be grateful to my Higher Power and others, who have helped me to stay sober a day at a time.