We’re all into telling each other that sobriety is a gift. And it is. A free gift, which none of us merited. A gift for which we need to be eternally grateful. But that’s not the gift I was thinking about. I was thinking about the gift of Alcohoism itself.
I’ve often thought about this. It seems funny to be looking at something so awful as a gift. I mean, here I was, chained down and a slave to a drink. It took me on a ride and almost ruined my life. It took me down to the gutter and dragged me through nightmarish events. It plagued my every waking moment. It dragged me in and out of bars. It got me into barroom brawls and got be knocked down and beat up on a regular basis. Car wrecks and police and courtrooms. It humiliated me to the nth degree. It brought me to the brink of insanity and death. It caused me to lose jobs and it cost me the possibility of being able to offer any security to my children. It caused me to lose friendships of a lifetime. It’s effects eventually cost me my marriage. It cost me my soul.
While I was “out there”, I was in constant danger. I lived dangerously. But that’s the point isn’t it. When I was “out there”. Now I’m “in here”. I’m no longer out there. Through the Grace of God I’ve been freed of this bondage, this alcoholic trap I was in. I’ve been guided to this program and through it to the recovery, to not just of my physical and mental health, but to that of my soul, my spirit. In a sense, I’ve been made whole again.
We’re told that AA’s 12th step has a theme: the joy of living. And, to me, that’s just what it is; a joy. I enjoy this way of life. Not on the surface so much, not in what it has brought me materially, indeed it hasn’t, but internally.
Joy to me is not an emotion. It’s a state of being. It’s there, whether I’m down or up. It’s a constant. I can find it in moments of being alone and quiet. It’s the background scenery and the music behind this life. It inspires enthusiasm within me. All at the same time, it gives me serenity and peace, while stirring an excitement for what is my life. It helps me to persevere, despite what is happening in my life. It banks the fires of hope and restores me to faith. Eventually, it brings me a love I’ve hardly dare dream of. The love of life and the people in it. I have a wealth today that was beyond my conception. A wealth of friends and the God of my understanding.
All this because I became an alcoholic. Without alcoholism, I wouldn’t be here.
Just thinking.