Funny. I was having one of those days, where activity was part of it, and “idleness” was the other. And that made it difficult to get a handle on my thoughts. I read a couple of things to stir my mind, but nothing seemed to take hold.
Finally I went back to basics. Meditation. I read the 24 Hour a Day book and it struck a chord. Too much activity vs. being at peace and waiting. Waiting for what? My Higher Power’s will for me. The spiritual life. As opposed to trying to run things and doing too much to accomplish whatever it is that drives me.
I do know that, when I came in, I suffered from a great loneliness. I had what they used to call “A God Hole” within me. Eventually by trying to listen and practice some of this program, that “hole” began to be filled. Not from anything outside of me, except what people said, but from within. It began with the coming to believe in a Power greater than myself.
Eventually that loneliness went away. One day it was gone. I could be alone but not lonely. I could take time out in any given day and spend it in solitude and feel at peace and fulfilled. The program and the Steps, especially the Eleventh, were there for me in attempting to meditate.
Meetings reinforced this within me. Often I would find myself in silence within myself, as I listened. I remember one old timer, who told us that meetings were meditation for him. Eventually I came to identify with what he said. Often today I can find myself being able to get moments of pure silence within.
Sometimes I know that I’m waiting. At times I think I can see what I’m supposed to be doing, but never sure. I talk to some close to me and get some assurances. Still it’s not all that clear. So I pull back and do what it said; wait.
But in that experience of being patient and waiting is serenity and peace. One thing I know about this is that in the meantime I have to be aware to avoid life’s problems. The things which can disturb me and cause me to put my faults, my character defects, into action. Does it work? I think more times than not. I’m still far from perfect, but all I can do is try.
Of course all of this is premised on my doing this program in my life. My primary purpose to stay sober and help another alcoholic. To practice these principles in all of my affairs. To remember the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. To go to meetings to be reminded and remember that I’m part of the We.
Despite myself I found the meditation I was searching for. I’m grateful and think I’ll stop.