Years ago, I made amends to a friend I had lost for a while, and in the process, after I cleaned up my side, I made the error of saying, “and I forgive you for all your stuff.” Or something like that. Whatever, it caused an immediate reaction from this person and ruptured the relationship for another two years. What a lesson I learned from that. Never again.
I thought about that moment, as the meeting was going on today. It was on the subject of forgiveness. Of course, everytime we end a meeting, we’re talking to God about forgiveness. The Lord’s Prayer; forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those, who trespass against us. By that time, I’m still trying to catch up to the words I’m saying and often miss the intent and meaning. I wonder how many others are distracted and miss all this?
Of course what comes to mind with this subject is pride. My pride tells me that I don’t have to or can’t forgive another person, because they’re in the wrong and I’m in the right. A friend of mine said that he fears to forgive someone, because they might do it again.
And, there it is, that word fear. Fear goads my pride into action and it cuts me off from all reason. I can’t see the forest for the trees. Reason goes out the window. Like the BB says, anger cuts us off from the sunlight of the Spirit. I’m cut off from my Higher Power. And where do I go from here? Oh, that’s right, insanity. I’m not thinking or acting sanely. In that state, I might think that it’s ok to take a drink. Bill tells us that’s where this kind of thinking takes us. I know it’s true, because I’ve seen it happen over and over again. Thankfully, somehow I have been spared from this experience.
I pray for the sanity I need to stay sober. I know that it can be a thought away. An angry, resentful thought away. An unforgiving attitude can take me there.
I wonder to myself, sometimes, if I really can appreciate the peril into which such unforgiving thoughts place me. But, like my friend said, that fear, followed by the pride, cuts all rational thought off. I need an intervention on my thoughts. And the best place for that is with my sponsor and a meeting, where I can hear the solution. And, it’s always a spiritual solution, which can pull me back from the brink.
Of course, I know that avoiding such pitfalls is always available. If I can begin each day remembering that I’m subject to anger and resentment and I ask God to protect me and give me the strength to do His will this day.
Most of the times it works, until I pull my will back and react to whatever.
Just hearing about forgiveness or the lack of it, reminds me again that there is a solution. I just had to stop and think about that.