Ever since I came to this program, I learned one thing. I had a “problem” with alcohol. A big problem. I couldn’t stop drinking. I also learned and believe that the problem still exists, even though, through the application of the steps to my life has removed the conscious thought of a drink from my mind. Like Bill said, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I’ve experienced this at least once in my sober life, where the craving returned along with the mental obsession. Thankfully someone was there to help me to recognize what was going on and steered me away from a drink and to my Higher Power for relief from this. I never want to forget what happened and pray, like I did then, that this would never return. But I know it’s there.
I was reminded today of what the BB said about the power of alcohol. The delusion that we could drink like normal men. The very fact that I can delude myself into picking up a drink again is frightening to me. Like I said, it happened once before. It came over me without warning. I truly know just how powerful this was. I was helpless. I was going to drink regardless of the consequences, which I couldn’t raise to my mind. After the moment passed, I was shaken to my core. What the hell had happened?
Why bring this up now? I was thinking about the meaning of being powerless last night. I thought about how un-powerless I feel most of the time. I believe that for most of us, at least for me, that I can get lulled into a state of thinking that all the other issues in my life are the real problem. Problems with relationships, problems with finances, problems with physical things, problems, problems, problems. At the time I had this visitation from alcohol again, nothing was really going on in my life. I was sober and happy; content with where I was in life. Yet, suddenly there it was. Alcohol. It had returned with a vengeance.
I think that moment was a fortuitous gift. It woke me up to the fact that I was truly powerless. I might have gone on years without thinking about this and ended up taking a drink again because I had forgotten how much power alcohol has over me. I might have taken the gift of a daily reprieve for granted. A friend of mine always tell us that subconsciously we will always want to drink. That’s what alcoholism is all about. We never have a cure for this disease. It’s always there. We just don’t have to think about it. And maybe that’s the problem.
Awareness, or like the BB tells us, eternal vigilance is what is necessary to have to keep ourselves alcohol free. It’s not something I need to be constantly worrying about. In fact I don’t.
But I am aware and that is part of the price of freedom. I know that just asking for help from the God of my understanding on a daily basis is the beginning of the solution I have found here.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today and am grateful for the gift I have been given. There is so much help and hope in this program. I had that help the night I was confronted with the power of alcohol once more.