One of the hardest thing to accept, over time, is that perhaps I didn’t deserve what I have in here. I mean, there I was out there drinking and drunk all the time. And then, on a prayerful request, as a result of despair and my going to commit suicide, I begged my Higher Power to remove the alcohol and the way of life I was leading, and it came true. I was freed of alcohol. Amazing.
Just before that prayer, I remember, a drinking friend of mine gave me hope. Up to that point I had no hope at all. Like I said, I was in deep despair, and going to kill myself. But there I was, no knowledge of alcoholism, and no knowledge of AA. And it was this man, who gave me the hope he had heard from a member of the program. So I went down on my knees and prayed really hard.
So there are times in here, when I remember and recognize that I did not earn this miracle. I came in dragging all that junk I had in my life with me. I definitely was immature. I had never grown up really. Alcohol had frozen me in a place way back, and then I was awakened in middle age physically, but still an adolescent. On top of that, I was focused on me. Not my wife and children, or anyone else. My ego dominated me. My negative emotions had a deep hold over me. I was basically dishonest. I thought I knew everything and would handle this on my own. I didn’t want to listen to anyone. That was me.
And so when I came in I didn’t bring anyone in here, who had earned the gift I was given. And this is where I was and had to earn what I could over time in order not to go back out and drink alcohol ever again. And all of this a day at a time. Yet overtime in here my life has improved and so have I. Not even close to perfection ever. Still stumbling and bumbling, yet always going ahead and depending on my Higher Power and all those who have helped me to put this program into action. Makes me grateful.
I just needed to sit down and get in touch with reality. I owe so much to the God of my understanding and this program. And I owe an awful lot to people just like myself, who were willing to reach out and help me. My old sponsor and those old timers in here. And then those, who grew up in this program with me.
I realize that I have been given a great gift. And that it’s up to me to continue to be willing to stay sober a day at a time. Each and everyday. I have to try to stay focused on why I am here. And yet my ego and my humanity will cause me to drift off and stumble back into my old faults and defects. That’s because I recognize that I’m human, and as I was told and read, I’m not near ever being a saint. Yet I have been given such great gifts it is almost overwhelming, when I stop and think about it. I need to always say thanks and be willing to help others just like myself.