This is one of those days. One of those days where the phone is ringing with someone, who wants help. Where after the meeting a couple of guys are clawing at you for attention. One of those days where two people you know have finally told the group they have a couple of months to live. One of those days, where an action I took in the home backfired. I have a lot of those. I fixed the toilet. It wouldn’t flush. Now it does, but I was wrong I was told and not to do it again. “We’re not going to live this way! And don’t shout at me!” Kathy used to say, “You’re under assault.” But there is a solution.
The solution is to back off and calm the disturbance. Tenth step.
One of the guys, who cornered me, told me of his problem. Sex. He’s into porn and paying women to satisfy his urges. Where have I heard that before? I told him what was told to everyone was told, when we came into the program. Stay away from the women and stay away from the guys. I also told him what Tom told me. If you continue to act as you did, when you were out there, you’ll soon be back out there. This is a program of change. Not easy, but if we don’t, we’ll drink again. No one told me that this was an easy program. No one promised me a rose garden. Sometimes it’s thorny. But, I was promised that if I did what they did, I could stay sober. And sobriety brings me everything I need to live this life.
Today a man wanted to talk about humility. My first thought was the seventh, the ninth, and the tenth step. In those steps, I was first introduced to the concept of humility. The seventh told me that continued humiliations would lead to a desire to seek humility for its own sake. That I wouldn’t want to continue down the path of repeated humiliations. The ninth and tenth steps would help me along that path through the process of making amends for past and present offences. The need to clean up my house and stay current. An opportunity to knock down arrogance and pride and achieve a place inside myself, where I can finally achieve peace of mind and serenity. Because there’s nothing in the way between me and the God of my understanding. There is nothing I need to fix and hence no need for alcohol.
I was also treated to a conversation, where the excuse “we’re only human” was thrown about. That never went over well with Tom and the other old timers. That phrase was usually preceded by “but”. But I’m only human.
Once again, I was treated to the word “change”.
My problem, when it comes to being under assault is to reach back into my bag of tricks and fight or run away. Old ideas and old habits still are there, right under the surface. Nothing is more handy than self pity and resentments. I can, also, think of myself as the town pump, unless I stop and remember, who’s in charge. Once again I have to surrender to God and accept my role as the hand of hope and remember that the group is the hand of help. I’m merely here to point the direction and not give direction. The group has the power to do that.
That’s one of the great things about the Big Book. It’s the product of the group. Even if Bill wrote and authored it, his wisdom was passed onto him from the group, who supported and gave him his direction and purpose. I often go to it and read it for guidance, knowing that I am safe in accepting its directions. It’s a constant source of telling me never to go it alone.
How easy it is to slip back into that kind of thinking. I can, without knowing it, fall back into intellectual pride and depend entirely on what I think. It’s a trap. I have to remind myself and go to the group to get that reminder. Without help it’s too much for us. I can end up assuming that, after all, I have God. It becomes God and me. Usually that means there’s only me. Bill tells us that no one gives AA more trouble than the man, who believes he has a direct pipeline to God.
The disturbance has been put to rest. I am grateful.