At the meeting today the subject was in three parts; one was restless, irritable, and discontent; two was anonymity; three was the fifth step. Ultimately it boiled down to one.
The thing that changed it was one man. A successful businessman, who was struggling with the first subject. He said he was suffering from a series of resentments, coming off a siege of tiredness. I listened to his words, as he said that he was not going to drink and wasn’t even thinking about a drink. Why did he even mention it then? The truth is that’s what’s going on behind all our ailments and problems. We just don’t think that’s the problem. It’s always there. We just deny it.
I think our problem is that we become careless over a long period of time in staying sober. Without even knowing it, we become so used to this way of life that we forget to pay attention to what’s happening to us. We become lulled into a false sense of security. We forget that alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. We forget that without help it’s too much for us. And we drift into a variety of states of mind until we end up restless, irritable, and discontented. We really don’t see it before we find ourselves so uncomfortable that we become aware of things like resentments building up within us. We’ve been sleepwalking.
Years ago an old timer once said it was like wearing dirty diapers. At first they feel warm and comfortable. Later they become cold and stinking. It’s then we wake up bawling and demanding a change. And that’s it. We need a change.
Better yet, we need to change. We need to wake up and pay attention. The fact of the matter is that we forgot that we are told that the price of sobriety is eternal vigilance. We have not been vigilant. Alcohol does not come to us as an invitation to drink. It comes to us as something else. We just don’t pay attention to its invitation. We think as long as we’re not thinking of a drink that we’re ok.
A long time ago my sponsor told me that, when I became comfortable with myself, that I would no longer need a drink or even want one. When I become uncomfortable again…well, that’s another story. He was right on both counts, in my experience. And, I will add, the experience of others I have talked to over the years.
Change is just that. Change. It takes effort on my part. It means to make a choice, a decision, and then action. I may not like it, but it’s unavoidable. If I am going to grow along spiritual lines, I must change. Growth is not static. It means movement and it’s always forward…or we drift backward.
We drift. It’s not quick. It’s gradual. Slow. Alcohol is patient. It can wait.