One day I found myself on a table in the ER at the hospital in Laurel, Md. I apparently had a reaction to some antibiotic I was given. The doctor attending me asked me for my personal physician’s name and went to the phone and called him. Her next words flabbergasted me. “I have this sixty year old man on the gurney in here.”
What? Who was she talking about? Slowly those words began to sink in. “This sixty year old man.” Was that true? I had never ever thought of myself that way. I was always Ned. Not this thing she was describing. For the first time, I knew it was true. That was the reality.
I remembered that shortly after I laughed. But the first impression was one of shock. Later I was able to see what had been said was true. That’s what I was. But the other thought, “I was always Ned”, was also true. It was who I was. However, I was always living in the “who” and couldn’t see what was happening to the “what”.
She was only interested and treating what I was. It was up to me to treat the who.
I think most of us have had those moments. When we’re yanked out of our heads and presented with the reality of ourselves. Especially when we hit our bottoms. When we’re faced with the reality of what we have become. I remember that moment of truth a long time ago. I have never forgotten it. Sitting in a barroom, staring at a mirror, and seeing myself for the first time. The reality. The curtain pushed aside and through that narrow gap, looking at the truth of myself. This is what I had become over the years.
Bill W., in the 12&12, describes that moment so well. He said we were struck down and left in terrifying lonliness. That was it. It was horrible. Horrifying. I had lost the “Who” of myself. I was left with only the “What” of myself. And, I could see no way out.
Fortunately, for me, I got help almost immediately and was introduced to the concept that there was a way out.
That’s another story for another time. The point is that I was taken from one reality and placed in another in the flick of an eye. I had no idea of what it was or where it was going to take me. I only knew that anything was better than where I was. Talk about a leap of faith; an open mind; a complete willingness to step into another reality. A step into the unknown.
The amazing thing for me was that, when I took that first step, I found a reality that I had always known. It was always there. It had been hidden by the fog of alcohol. Another curtain had been pulled aside and the vision was unlimited. I was to find a solution, which would reintroduce me to a reality, which only God could provide.