The old timers knew what they were doing, when they “slapped us up by the side of our heads”. That “sit down and shut up! Take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth!” kind of entrance into AA. They knew what kind of ego deflation was needed, if we were to stay sober.
But they also knew, that the ego would eventually reemerge. The one’s who could swallow this kind of hardnosed approach would probably stick it out and eventually deal with this reawakening with their help. And, in this matter it would take all the help we could get. But, we had a beginning. Hopefully we at least had a nodding acquaintence with humility.
This problem with our ego is an enormous one. Without some humility we’re told we probably will go back to the drink at some point. The steps are designed to help us get out of ourselves and submit our wills, our egos, to a Power Greater than ourselves; God as we understand Him. We’re told that selfishness and self-centeredness will eventually kill us, if we don’t get rid of these tendencies.
I don’t know exactly how much this ego plays a role in our affairs, but I do know that it has been a stumbling block in my recovery. I can’t tell you how much the “me” has superceded the “we” along this path. Of all my character defects, this part of my personality has been the most painful.
The seventh step tells us in the 12&12, that the surrender in the first step is just the introduction to humility and that we are going to have to do much more in surrender as we go along. The little bit of humility we gain is not enough to keep us sober. More and more is going to be required, if we are to stay sober. I’m convinced of it.
When I look back at my failures in this program, I wonder how I have been able to stay here. I would think that I should have been gone long ago, except for the help I got from my sponsor and others, and the hand of God, which has kept me on this path.
Everytime I’m disturbed, I know it’s because of my ego. Every resentment is due to my ego. Everytime I get angry I can find my ego at its roots. All my fears are due to ego. How do I know? These things show a lack of trust in God and my fellows. Too much dependence on myself. Not for nothing are the words, “reliance not defiance” in the literature.
The ego does not want to die. It will do everything it can to survive. The more I try to pare it down, the more it resists and wants to take over. Ego deflation in depth, as this program tells us we must work for, is not the way my ego wants to go. My ego is the old way. It’s the old drunk, resting just below the surface. It’s the part of me that tells me, when I work with others, that I’m the town pump and the well is dry. And if the well is dry, it’s because I’m depending on myself to help others and not my Center, the God of my understanding. Not upon the advice and help of others. It’s because, deep down I want others to say what a great guy I am. Grandiosity still lives. My concern for self has superceded all else.
I’ve seen the results of this in so many others and I pray that I may achieve what so many other old timers achieved. Sobriety. Sober thinking and sober living.
Just some thoughts.