How many times I went to my sponsor and said to him, in response to his instructions or suggestions, “but you don’t understand”. Innumerable times. He called it the “yes but” syndrome. Yes, but. He also called it the maiting call of a–holes.
It was like, in my arrogance, that I was talking to an imbecile. He had already heard me out. I must have felt that he didn’t understand English. I didn’t see, or couldn’t or wouldn’t, that it was me, who lacked the understanding of his response. Yes, but.
I was talking to an old friend of mine today about the problem of the feeling of unworthiness, which we brought to the program. This feeling provoked a thought, which almost condemned me to taking a drink again. The thought was that since I had lived the life I had lived and had done the things I had done, that the God I understood wouldn’t want anything to do with me. So, why should I appeal to Him for anything? After all, I had ignored Him for so many years, He wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
This kind of arrogance, and sense of self reliance, was a huge stumbling block for me in sobriety. I remember Tom saying to me that God had forgiven me and that man had forgiven me, but I had not forgiven myself. That in my insufferable pride that I really felt too good to forgive myself. He said that it was as if I knew more than God and was bigger than God.
It was then he told me a couple of things I needed to hear. One was what the BB said about letting go of our old ideas. I said to him, “What old ideas?” He said all your old ideas. “But what about the good old ideas?” He said, “you don’t have any good old ideas.” I thought to myself, yes I do. I was convinced I knew a lot about God and that he didn’t.
The second thing which he told me was that I was to act as if. I told him that if I did that I’d be a phony. “You’re already a phony. You might as well be a positive phony.” That kind of response was the kind of AA, which I needed. It cut the legs out from under me. It cut me down to size. It punctured my ego and helped me to get into right perspective with God and myself. It put me on the path to some kind of humility and helped me to think the right kind of thoughts I needed to stay away from that next first drink. It opened the door to having a relationship with my higher power.
CS Lewis once wrote that if you want to love God, act as if you do. You will find that you do. The BB tells us that either God is everything or He is nothing. Which will it be? Choose and act as if. If you don’t believe make believe. We’re already phonies. So why not act as if and it will come true.
These “yes buts” keep us from hope and a working faith. A hope and a working faith which keeps us from slipping back into despair and a drink. If I want to stay sober, I have to eliminate the intellectual arrogance and pride, which will condemn me to the bondage of alcoholism.
My conversation with my friend got me to thinking about what it was that turned my life around when I entered this program. It made me go back and think about the talks I used to have with my sponsor. It made me grateful for knowing this man and grateful to God for placing him in my life. It made me think how amazing a few well placed words changed me and put me on the path to sobriety. I pray I may always remember those moments. If I do, I know I can stay sober one more day.
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