Two things came to mind this morning. The first is in the BB, which my sponsor kept reminding me to do: first calm the disturbance. The second was: never go back.
I was always having problems with people, places, and things, early on in the program. My temper flared at the first “provocation”. I had one of those tempers, which took little to light off. Consequently I was always in a state lof seething and boiling under the surface, just waiting to blow up. That’s when my sponsor took me aside and pointed out that statement, first calm the disturbance.
He saw that I would have little chance at sobriety unless I learned to stop going off at everything I saw as a challenge to me. How do I do that? He told me that I had to learn to step aside and calm down. I learned from him that I could do that physically by simply leaving the place I where the disturbance came up, or I could step aside mentally, if that wasn’t possible. He said that I could make a phone call and talk to someone. If that wasn’t available, I could pray. If I couldn’t pray, I could take time to write. He said there was always something I could do to put my angry thoughts at rest. I learned from him that I could blank my thoughts out with a lot of practice, until I could get help. But I had to be willing.
So the first step for me was willingness. Did I want to get better. Did I want to stay sober?
The second thought was never go back. He was talking about my penchant for going back and reviewing the thoughts which made me angry. In other words to avoid building a resentment.
He also applied this kind of thinking, whenever something about a drink came to mind. For instance seeing an ad on TV. I was to learn from him to nip such thoughts in the bud. At the slightest hint of anything like drinking or anger, nip it in the bud. Right now. Always right now.
Today, after much practice, I know that in most cases it’s an automatic with me. There are times when something leaks through and I fail. But the practice is still there, thanks to my sponsor and the instructions in the BB.
I remember one time a friend of mine was tempted to step into a bar. She was overwhelmed by the thought of walking into this open bar and taking a drink. She fought this as hard as she could and told herself that she would get to the nearest phone and call a friend. She succeeded that way in calming the disturbance. I often think of that occassion, when I think of first calm the disturbance. That was one huge disturbance, but it worked.
Anyway, I was thinking of this and the help I got from Tom. It’s part of what keeps me sober.