As a young person, growing up in World War II, I was exposed to a lot of news about what was happening. The word “surrender” was constantly filling the airwaves and I would hear my parents talking about all these countries surrendering and all the defeats we went through early on in the war. So the idea of surrender was a bad thing and it was fixed my mind early on. So, when I came into this program and people were talking about surrender, even though I was desperate to stop drinking, I balked at that word. Surrender? Never.
Besides, I had this other problem with the concept of surrender; my ego.
But as time went on, I slowly began to absorb what AA was talking about and surrender became more palatable. I had accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic, it was just that I didn’t want to surrender. But now I could.
Then, when I read the 7th step in the 12&12 it talks about humility. I knew that was just another word for surrender. Again I was in a contest with my ego or pride, if you will. And when Bill said that our taking the first step was just a start in humility and that it was going to take more humility to stay sober, again, I balked.
It wasn’t until I had gone through the 9th step and reached the 10th that I began to realize what had happened. When I finally understood that I had stopped fighting everyone and everything, I started to understand what had happened. I had surrendered much. I didn’t even know that it had happened.
A wise person had once told me that when I had taken that first step that I had barely genuflected. She told me that I would have to get down on my knees if I wanted to stay sober. That was hard to take.
Dr. Harry Thieboult once said, I think in AA Comes of Age, that we have practice the discipline of surrender. That can only come to someone like myself through the practice of willingness. Willingness only came to me through the memory of what it was like when I was drinking. I didn’t want to go back.
Today I was thinking about this process of surrender. Giving up. It didn’t come from any virtue on my part. It came because I ddin’t want to drink again. But it is such a necessary and basic part of my sobriety. I can’t stay sober unless I’m willing to surrender.
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