I was thinking about good and bad things. I was wondering why, as much as I would like to do good that I’m so often attracted to what is bad for me. How it is that, when I struggle to insert good habits into my life, that I can pick up a bad habit int the blink of an eye? And, when I see something, which I absolutely know is bad for me, I’m drawn to it like a piece of metal is to a magnet.
That’s the way I always was when I was drinking. First of all, I was always drawn compulsively to a drink. I just would have to think about a drink and then I would always go get it. And, talk about what was bad for me, I was instantly attracted to it. Always the consequences were bad.
Why bring this up? Just because I’m sober and on this path I’ve been following doesn’t mean that the attractions to the negative have gone away. In fact they may be stronger at times. Just because I am sober does not mean that I’ve stopped being human. Just because I’m growing along spiritual lines does not mean that I can coast on what’s been achieved and do whatever is necesary to resist the negative with my own thinking. I still have a mind which can rationalize anything. I still have a mind which can make me believe that one drink would be good for me.
But it’s never the drink is it? It’s always something else, behind which that next drink may be hiding. Something which becomes so attractive that I might just follow it. And when the consequences come down…Well, I don’t have to finish that thought. I’ve already been warned how cunning, baffling, and powerful alcohol is.
Thank God that I get phone calls. I was talking to a good friend of mine today and it reminded me of this process, which goes on in my head from time to time. I often think that just because I’ve been a long time sober and that I’m getting along in years that what he’s going through is all behind me. Another good friend of mine told me one day that I may think that some defect of character is gone and find it has popped up in disguise. Again, rationalization.
Years and years ago, I performed “magic”. I knew in order to be successful I had to be able to distract the eyes of the audience. If I could just make them look at something else, I would be able to pull the trick off. It always amazed me that it worked. It was really an illusion. Or, as Bill said in the BB, a delusion. I have to remember that this process of staying sober is being able to avoid the delusions. And I also have to remember that I can’t do this alone. Never could.
My friend this morning reminded me by what he did. He didn’t sit there in his head. He called and asked for help.