Today we were talking about the tenth step and the word “fear” kept coming up. It was so dominant that I talked about that word with a good friend of mine and had to think about it now.
It was obvious to me how scared I was, when I first came into the program. Not that I would admit that to anyone, but, as I got further and further from a drink, the more pronounced my fears were. I was afraid of everything. And most of my fears were reflected in my anger at everyone and everything, including God and AA and the people in the program. Mainly, I was afraid that others might be right and I might be wrong. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be right and all the rest of you to be wrong. How crazy was that? My fears kept me blocked from any progress, because if you were all wrong…well, you can take it from there.
Eventually I began to surrender my anger and to accept what was being said. I began to work the steps. As I did, I began to be less and less fearful. The biggest fear was gone, I discovered. That was the fear of taking a drink. As I progressed through the steps, I found that the promise in that tenth step had come true. The alcoholic insanity had melted away and my sanity, as far as alcohol, had been restored. I no longer was obsessed by alcohol and I was even repelled by the thought of a drink.
But, I was thinking today of the multitude of fears, which still lie just beneath the surface. Most of them I walk past. I have learned not to be swayed by my feelings. I just have to act as if and I can avoid most of these disturbances. However, when I let my guard down and the feelings of anger or self pity begin to seep into my day, I now know that the fears have returned. Like Bill said, these self centered fears are the chief activators of my character defects. Especially my pride, which is reflected in my tendency to anger.
If I can act in gratitude for all the gifts, which have been given to me by this program and the God of my understanding, I know that I’m insulated against these fears. For without this attitude, which is the result of woking this program, I know that I can once again be overwhelmed and the drink can’t be far behind. The drink, which was at one time my cure for my fears.
Again, as Bill points out, that if I’m aware, I’ll be okay. Eternal vigilance, as he stated. In that way I’ll be reminded of the maintenance of my spiritual condition. That’s why I need to go to meetings and be reminded of what I tend to forget. Like I did today.
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