The first thing we learn, when we come in, is just how powerless we are. I know that, when I arrived on the doorstep of the program, I could not stop drinking on my own. I read the first step and heard that theme spoken of over and over again. I really didn’t think about the word itself, but just accepted the first step. I rarely ever went back to contemplate what powerless meant, but just went along with the others around me. I parroted everything about the first step. Yes, I was powerless.
It wasn’t until many years later that I ran across an old timer up here in the area I now live. His name was Eddie M. At almost every meeting, no matter what the topic, Eddie would launch into the First Step and talk about the meaning of powerless. Eventually I got used to his talking about this and just took it for granted that he would talk about this. In fact, many in the groups I attended would just smile in tolerance and let it go. I did too.
One night I was sitting in a meeting where Eddie was talking and something hit me for the first time. I finally heard what he was saying. It literally took my breath away. After the meeting I went up to a friend of mine and talked about what I had heard. He laughed and said that he had had the same reaction after hearing Eddie talking. He said that he too had taken the First Step for granted, until one night he suddeenly realized for the first time what it meant to be powerless.
What Eddie was driving at was this: No matter how many times we resoved we would never drink again, we always kept going back to the drink and we always would. That I might say was obvious. Of course I always did. I always told others that when I came here I couldn’t stop drinking. I had to drink. AA had stopped that and gave me the relief I sought.
But that wasn’t the same thing as Eddie was saying. He was saying that no matter how many times we stopped we always would go back to the drink. Always.
That word “always” was what took my breath away. I had never thought that way before. I knew that as long as I was in AA that I probably wouldn’t drink again. But then there’s that word always. All I have to do is look around me and know that others have gone out because they always will drink again.
I know that when I think about the word “powerless” I must always remember “always”.