Sometimes, when things are quiet and I can’t think of what to do, I sit and think about this program and all it has done for me. To some it might seem like I need to get a life. But that’s the point isn’t it? I have a life, I have life, only because I found this program. Without it I would have been dead at the age of 42. I’m still here, by the grace of God and all you people. Without God and you people I would have been gone a long time ago.
But there is something else here, and it’s what makes this program work. It’s the twelve steps and the traditions which backs it up and protects us and keeps us safe. I was thinking about that today, as we talked about anger and hope. In all that talk, there was only few times the steps and the BB were mentioned. I thought to myself, that without the steps and the BB, where it tells us how to work this program, all that’s left is talk.
Talk without action won’t keep us sober. It’s just talk. For instance, how do we deal with the problem of anger? It’s in the steps. Through working the steps into my life, I have found the answers to problems which bedeviled me for a lifetime. Problems, which left unattended to, would probably have taken me back to drinking. In fact, in order not to go back there, I found I was forced to work these steps. I know that, when I came in, I wasn’t too keen on doing most of what these steps required of me. But there was the choice: either work the steps or drink and die. I had already experienced what alcohol had done to me and I didn’t relish the thought of going back there. But surrendering, acquiring a faith in a higher power, taking an inventory of my grosser defects, revealing that to another person, admitting that I needed help with these defects to control them, going back to others and admitting my wrongs and trying to heal the harms done to them, praying and meditating, and then trying to carry this message to others…that seemed an overwhelming task for someone so self centered and controlling as I was.
A healthy fear of alcohol and the encouragement of others and their examples pushed me along through this process of growing in a way of life I never thought possible. I’d love to say that I knew what was going on, but that’s not true. It’s only by glancing back that I begin to realize what had happened to me. It’s really the only thing which I can measure myself by. How did I get from there to here? How much have I changed?
I know we live this program a day at a time. But once in a while, I think we need to look back and see how it all came about. It’s our experience. This is what we share with others. I know that there are milestones along the way. Signposts which indicate the way we’ve traveled. Things we might have walked right on by on the road we’re all traveling. Incidents, experiences, failures and successes, which are writing the story of our journey through this way of life. People we have met along the way and companions, who are still with us, and those who are not. All of this contributes so much and so richly to this sober way of living. These touchstones along the way we call anniversaries. Mine is this month.
I sometimes think about these things. I really don’t know when my real anniversary of when I came here is. I never knew we marked these dates on a calendar until a long time after I came in. When I discovered this I had to go back in my scrambled mind and try to remember. I remember distinctly it was a Saturday and I think this month. What I do remember is that very day and all that happened in that barroom. It was awful. Terrible. It was my bottom. The end. But it was also wonderful. It brought me into sobriety and where I am today. I am so grateful.