Sometimes I need to go back and remind myself of why I’m here, why I’m still here, and what it is that I’m supposed to be doing. That’s not always an easy thing to do. At my age, I am prone to memory lapses. So, I try to remember to get to a meeting and once again become involved in this fellowship of ours and be reminded. “Oh, that’s right! That’s what this is all about.”
This is an old refrain I keep harping on, but it’s always good for me to run through it once again. I had no angelic purpose, when I came to this program. Virtue was not one of my strong suits. In fact, I think I probably hated anyone or anything that smacked of being “good”. I made a strong effort, when I was drinking, to cross the street, if I saw someone, who even reminded me of being good. It wasn’t that I was a bad or evil person, but to me “good” was boring.
I want to remember just what that kind of life was for me, when I was drinking. I lived recklessly. On several occassions that I know of, I was almost killed. I could hate easily. To me grudges and resentments were a part of daily living. Lying came so easily to me that I had no idea of what the truth of my life was. My language and thinking deteriorated along with my drinking. I was so selfish and self centered that I hardly knew I had a family at home. Love had become a vulgarity.
Then I hit my bottom and came into the program. I was totally unprepared for what this program was about. All I hoped to do was to escape from alcohol. And then gradually I began to learn what was going to be required of me, if I wanted to stay sober. No one minced words about what this was. I was going to have to find a way to turn my whole life around and to do that I was going to have to live my life on a spiritual basis or die and alcoholic death.
Given the choices, I decided I had to change and go along with what was being offered to me. I took the path often less traveled in life, as Robert Frost said. I’m glad I did. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. But, one thing I have to remember always: I didn’t do this to become a saint or a virtuous person. I did it because of alcohol. All that has occured in my life since coming here is the result of alcohol. Alcohol drove me here and the memory of alcohol is all the incentive I need to keep me on track. I hope I never forget that or I just might pick up a drink again.