Once again, I’m up and thinking about sobriety and this program. I talk to and listen to a lot of people and hear a lot of expression of gratitude for their being blessed with sobriety. I feel and think the same way.
At the same time, I was thinking about Jim’s story in the BB. The one Bill W. used to illustrate the insanity of that next drink in the chapter More on Alcoholism. I always remembered Jim’s words, just before he took that drink; “Still no thought of drinking.”
At the end of that chapter Bill gives us a warning: “The alcoholic at certain times has no effective defense against the first drink.” Jim’s and Fred’s story in that chapter were illustrations of those words. Fred, though not drinking at the time, took the drink without a thought, other than it would be nice to have a drink. Fred had not yet bought into the idea that he was a real alcoholic and needed help. Jim on the other hand had.
However, Bill tells us what was wrong with Jim, who had come to the program. Faced with so much to lose, he said that Jim’s problem was that he had failed to enlarge his spiritual life. I would guess what he was saying was that Jim had failed to work the steps of this program. For that, to me, is the way to the spritual life we seek in staying sober.
Why am I bringing this up, considering what I said at the beginning? Because I still remember the night, after a year or two in the program, when what Bill had warned about not having a mental defense, I came up against that very moment in my life. I have never forgotten that. In his caution Bill says the only defense the alcoholic has at a moment like that must come from his higher power. That night I didn’t have that. It was a moment of complete insanity. I was lost for all intents and purposes, except for my wife, who stepped in and told me to go outside and pray. I did and the moment passed.
Looking back, I now know that what Bill said about Jim was true. I had failed to enlarge my spiritual life.
My sponsor told me that if I’m working the steps I won’t drink. Not only I won’t drink, but the necessary gratitude for being sober will be there. Gratitude to my God as I understand him, and gratitude to the program and the people in it, who have helped me along the way.
I was thinking about We Agnostics and How it Works. Finding a higher power and working the 12 steps. Working the program and enlarging the spiritual life.