Do I know what I think I know? Sounds like a stupid question. What has this got to do with staying sober?
It says in the BB that alcohol is a subtle foe. But in my experience it doesn’t make much sense, if that’s not what I’ve experienced. But I have and survived and it wasn’t my fault that I did. I mean I know the words, but do I understand them? We’re told that common sense becomes uncommon sense. Really?
What I’m thinking about is keeping it simple and simply accepting what I might not understand. Not to analyze the un-analyze-able. I recall the author John LeCarre (in answer to was what he wrote factual) said that what he wrote was true, but not always factual. He said there were too many facts and not enough truth.
I was told that, if I wanted to stay sober, I would have to work the steps. So, I did just that. I’m still sober. But what happened? An awful lot, which I still don’t understand. For instance, my attitude changed. How did that happen?
And it’s still changed from what it used to be (very bad). I know the facts, but what’s the truth? The truth is that I believe I’ve had a spiritual awakening. I wasn’t even conscious of that. It just happened and I only had a gradual awareness of that. Mostly from those around me.
The reason I bring all of this up is the result of talking to a friend of mine, who feels the same way I do. He has had two days of dealing with a number of things, which were confusing at best, and extremely stressful. But he came through them without losing his mind or his sobriety. He said that he was aware of often saying the Serenity Prayer. He was aware that he knew what he was able to do and what he had to leave to God to do. In all the noise and harrassment from others, he came out of it aware that the program was working within him. He was aware of the fact that his change in attitude was a sustaining force. But, like myself, he really didn’t understand it. He just accepted it. Simple.
Prior to all of this, he was a great analyzer of almost everything. But, when push came to shove, the program worked for him almost automatically, without too much effort on his part. I have to marvel at that. It has often been my experience too. He said he related it to something Sandy B. said. Sandy said something to the effect, that life is not always fair. Unfair things happen to us. But, when that happens we are responsible for bringing fairness from within and spreading it outside.
I read the BB and know and understand the words. I have worked the steps and still work them, often outside of my own knowledge and awareness. I know this program works. I have seen the evidence in my own life and that of those around me. But how it works is the truth and a mystery to me. I am so grateful that it does and I’ll leave it at that. Except to say that after we talked, I had to sit down and meditate.
It may not make much sense, but it’s what I was thinking. I was thinking about staying sober this day.