I was thinking how big a part denial played in my alcoholic drinking, but also how big a part it can play today. After all, denial has been a big part of my life all along.
It took an awful lot of pain to pry denial out of the death’s grip I had on it. I just could not see myself as an incurable drunk. But my bottom got my attention and changed everything.
When I came into this program, I was still denying much of my life. Even though I knew my life was unmanageable, I still wanted to run it myself. My pride continued to operate in the denial mode. It was hard for me to give up and admit how wrong I could be. Looking back, it seems a miracle I didn’t drink.
The reason I was thinking about denial today is that I was glancing through the BB and ran across a story of an alcoholic, who emphasized this fault we all have. Me especially, I think. Although none of us is all that different. I was interested in looking at that word and wondering if it still plays a part in my life. I rarely think about it, but there it was. Denial.
How many times I have I said to myself it’s not my fault? Really? Fortunately I haven’t had to make an issue of those times, but it makes me think about what an influence this might have on my sobriety. If I can still practice denial in one instance, how might it affect me down the line? I don’t kid myself that it can’t. I’ve seen I don’t know how many others with long term sobriety take a drink. It seems so irrational now, but I often have wondered how someone can believe they can drink again with impunity. To go right past that 1st Step, denial must have played some part.
Have I ever said to myself that something didn’t make me angry? Or that anyone would be angry at such and such? It was only reasonable to feel that way? Where did Bill’s warning to me go? Justifiable anger is the dubious luxury of normal men. One old timer once said that if we wait a couple of days, of course it will be justifiable. He was talking about resentments.
I wasn’t thinking about perfection. That’s beyond my reach at anytime. But I was thinking about paying better attention to some of my defects. I never thought about denial being a character defect. I must have missed something in my 5th Step.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today and thinking how grateful I have to be for still being sober. After all, staying sober is still my primary purpose today.