What was it that changed me from a falling down drunk in despair to the man I am today? It certainly was the 12 Steps, but also more than that. They were the basics. The Steps that is. But it also had to be the AA community I was living in. The people and what I learned from them. From their words and by their examples.
For instance, one of the things I came to learn I had no idea about, was how and what to do with my feelings. I mean, here I was, coming out of this alcoholic fog I had been living in for so long, and now the anesthesia was gone and I suddenly was presented with all these feelings. They literally surprised me and I had no name for most of them and I didn’t know how to go through them or how I was to handle them. I guess that was the process I was beginning to be faced with. The process of growing up from the adolescent feelings I had never really experienced before and maturing into an adult, who could live a sober life.
And then there was the other thing. That seemingly never ending restless mind of mine,, which was under the control and direction of all these feelings I was experiencing. I guess that meant that I was as crazy as a bed bug, when I came in. I was told that most alcoholics in their first year of recovery, if exposed to a psychiatrist, would probably be diagnosed as a candidate for a mental institution of some sort. In my case, I would have to agree with that assessment.
I was to learn to first “act as if”. Act as if I was sober. What was that? Look around you. There’s a room full of sober people. I was also told that if I didn’t believe to make believe. If I didn’t feel well or felt off the beam, act as if everything was all right. Lo and behold, after a period of doing this, things began to settle down to a roar and not complete chaos. Besides, I was spending two or three hours a day among a lot of people, whom eventually I was to learn that they really did know what they were talking about. In other words, I was among those, who would insure my safety.
All this didn’t turn around over night, as the BB was to tell me. Meanwhile, I was being introduced to that BB and the Steps. Even after I went thought those 12 Steps, the process of learning to settle down and getting off that roller coaster of feelings and thoughts was not easy. It took several more years. And probably, like most of us, I began to learn patience. There are no shortcuts to living a sober life.
However the spiritual awakening had already begun. The promises were becoming a reality in my life. I was glad to be sober and the freedom from alcohol and the thought of a drink was mine at last. I had a higher power, who constantly expressed himself through my sponsor and all the men and women I met along the way. And that’s what it was.
But there’s a caveat to all of this. Anytime and anywhere these thoughts and feelings can come back and sabotage my day. All I have to do is not pay attention and I can very easily fall back into those early days. I know that, because it happened to me today.