Bill in the 12&12, in the Second Step, talks about coming to believe in a higher power, and even a God of our understanding. He talks about the difficulties each one of has in this process. He points out that the one, who has the most trouble, is the one who had faith at one time and lost it.
I could identify with that. There was a period of my life, before my alcoholism took over big time, when I had a crisis in faith that left me devastated. A crucial loss in faith in my religion of that time. So, when I came into this program, even though I had some kind of belief in a God, the essentials that were so important in my youth were still in some kind of chaos.
Eventually, in my reading of the chapter in the BB, We Agnostics, I came to the recognition that perhaps I was an agnostic all along. It seemed that way at the time.
However, when the chapter presented several facts to me, I had to stop and come to some very important decisions. The first was that I was going to have to go through a process of surrender and acceptance. Lead a spiritual life or die an alcoholic death. That decision was made in brief. I had all I wanted of alcohol and I didn’t want to ever go back there again. So a spiritual life it was.
The next decision was either God is or He isn’t. That made me turn around in my thinking almost instantly. He was. And then, He either was everything or He was nothing. That ended all arguments I might have had in my mind and I was ready to move forward.
All this really wasn’t easy. Preceding the reading of that chapter, all kinds of questions and arguments, analysis, and what have you, were churning through my head. It was a time of resistance and I passed many times on reading the fourth chapter. I thought I knew it all until the moment I read it. I read a quote the other night, where the man, who said it, a very brilliant man I was familiar with. He said that most intellectuals lacked intelligence. I might have thought I was intellectual, but that quote is so right on the money. What is it they say in here about taking ourselves too seriously?
Through the years I have observed and talked to many individuals in this program, who have had struggles with the God concept. Some of quite a long period of sobriety. I can well understand this. I’m not here as a judge of anyone nor am I here to instruct anyone on who God is or isn’t. I can only listen and make comments on my own experiences, if I’m asked. I’m not all that important and, when I recognize that I’m on solid ground.
The one line in the BB, which comes back to me often, is in the chapter Working with Others. Talking about God or a higher power, when talking to the “new” man or woman, it states that we’re not there to instruct them. Whatever they come up with, as long as it makes sense to him, are the words I think about in all these conversations and observances.
Anyway, in reading a couple of passages from books dedicated to a spiritual awakening reminded me of the process I and others have gone through. Something to think about because it is the basis of this spiritual life we strive to live. And this spiritual life and awakening are the foundations of our sobriety. Something I never want to forget.