Sometimes I find myself surprised by my character defects. This evening I found myself slipping into a couple of resentments without warning. I found myself steaming in a fraction of a second.
I stepped outside and took stock and asked myself what was it that started all of this. It wasn’t long before I realized that what I was feeling didn’t start with what was in front of me. It started hours before, when I found myself disappointed in myself for something I had done earlier. I was torn by a decision I had made to cancel an appointment. I was mad at me. But all it took was someone else to feed into this and I found myself blaming someone else.
Earlier in the day, I was meditating on this very thing. Character defects. What I was thinking about is that very often I drift toward these with the dumb idea that they will make me happy. That was the counsel of a very spiritual man. We go for something, thinking it will somehow bring us happiness, only to wind up disappointed, frustrated, and even angry. All the first step back into the insanity of that next drink.
For instance, there was a time, when getting even might seemed to bring me some happiness, only to find myself feeling much worse than when I started. There might have been moments, when driven by greed, I would acquire some money, only to find that I felt more empty within than before I began.
Bill and the spiritual director I was thinking about, say the same thing, about the seeds of these defects being there within from the distant past in our lives. Things hidden deep within us and long ago forgotten. Under certain circumstances they surface and we find ourselves driven by them.
The answer for these is spiritual. The Tenth Step for one and both the Sixth and Seventh Steps. Of course the Eleventh. Sound complicated? Not at all. In reality it’s very simple. It only takes my willingness, some honesty, and, of course, surrender.
As simple as this is, it still is difficult for me, who never wants to give up. Rebellion dogs our every step, the BB tells us. That’s referring to us early on. But some us, meaning me, are stubborn to say the least. Another of my character defects. One that can give me a hangover, as it tells us in the Tenth Step in the 12&12.
So, here I sit, writing this and striving to calm the disturbance. Thank God it’s working.