It was in this program that I began to learn to respect others and to learn how to have lasting relationships with those I met. I still have strong friendships going back over quite a few years, as a result of this program.
However, there was a period of time, when I realized something was lacking in my life. That was the poor image I had of myself. I respected others, but had no respect for myself.
Although I had worked the Steps into my life and really had a spiritual awakening, which relieved me of the desire and compulsion to ever drink again, something was obviously missing. But after a long time it became obvious that nothing was missing, but something was still there. It was like the joke about the man, couldn’t find his eyeglasses. In the end he finds that he’s wearing them.
What I thought was missing was right under my nose. It was me. My self centeredness. My ego. It was still all about me and so much so that I had made myself unaware of its presence.
The BB tells me that selfishness and self centeredness does not go away overnight. In my case it didn’t go away over years. In fact, in many ways, it’s still all about me. Not so much anymore, but it still pops up too often for my taste. I’m tripping over me and stumbling more than I would like.
Relieve me of the bondage of self. The Third Step Prayer. That I repeat daily, but then I have to do my part. I have to act on that prayer and get out of myself. Thinking of others. Praying for others. Working with others. When I’m doing that, I’m no longer busy with myself and my “problems”. By taking these “actions”, some degree of humility creeps into my life, even though I may not be conscious of this. At the same time I gather a little more insurance that I will not take that next drink.
But the minute I am alone with me, or away from exposure to alcoholics like myself, I tend to drift back into myself again. It is almost impossible to escape me and my thoughts about myself. Thoughts of unworthiness begin to creep in. I know that I’m not the person that I think people imagine I am.
But then I think about something I read on a card I gave to someone for their birthday. It said something to the effect that friends are those, who still like you, even though they know all about you. I was told early on in this program by my sponsor, that I was never to compare my insides to someones outsides. If I do, I will always lose. No matter what my shortcomings, others have theirs. How many I know and still love and like friends, who have all kinds of things, which give them troubles in their lives. I still think no less of them. In fact some of these instill me to respect them even more, if I will but step back and think about them.
This spiritual life I am supposed to be living does not demand any certain education from me. It does not demand that I be wealthy or affluent. It doesn’t even ask for any career or vocation. It only places an invitation to participate in a way of life, which will lead me to doing God’s will for me. At least as far as I understand God. But one thing everyone, along with myself, have in common is that I think we all believe that to be our primary purpose to stay sober and to try to help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety. Everyday that I do that is something for which I should respect myself for doing.
My respect for myself today comes from what I value in my life today. I value my sobriety before anything else. Without it I would have nothing, not even my life. I value my relationship with my higher power, which includes the members of this program, who help me to maintain my sobriety, and the God of my understanding. I value my family and my relationship with them. I value my friendships most highly. All these are my treasures. Everything else comes after that.