I was thinking that I don’t know. I only think I know.
It came to mind today, as I was thinking about a man’s story in Spiritual Awakenings. He thought he wasn’t doing very good in the program, even though he had some sobriety. He talked to his sponsor and his sponsor pointed out to him that he was basing everything on his feelings.
His sponsor told him that he felt he was a very spiritual man, even though he didn’t feel he was. When he felt up, he felt he was doing pretty well in the program. When he felt down, he pretty much condemned himself. Are feelings the basis of knowledge of how we’re doing? I don’t think so.
It’s not how I feel, but what I do. Or try to do. That’s more like it. For instance, I don’t always feel grateful. But I try to act out in gratitude, because I know that I am grateful. I don’t always feel joyful. But I know that I have the joy of living in my life. I don’t always feel spiritual, but I try to remember what I’m doing. Trying to live a spiritual life.
In the end, I think I know, but I don’t know if that is true. So, I try to rely on hope and faith. I look at what is apparent. I am sober in spite of myself. That much I do know. It’s not just not drinking but the kind of life I’m trying to live.
All of this reminds me of a sentence in a letter that a spiritual director wrote to a nun centuries ago. “You fuss about yourself too much.”
Anyway, just thinking about staying sober one more day.