When I read some things in the BB and 12&12, they make me pause and stop and think. One of those I caught in the 12&12 in the Fourth Step. The part where it talks about our fears being termites, which ceaselessly eat away the very foundations of the kind of life we’re trying to build.
Termites, hunh? I would have to guess these fears are invisible to us or hard to see. That whatever is going on within that it’s telling us that we have to get busy before the whole house comes down around us.
Reading those passages reminds me of my unmanageable life. Things I tend to forget about myself, which could get me in trouble with this program I’m trying to practice. One of those things which it tells me that blinds me is the number one offender. My pride. The key to justifying my thinking and my actions. Rationalizing. I know I can be good at that, if I’m not paying attention.
It kind of reminds me of the statement in the BB about practicing vigilance. Paying attention. The Tenth Step for instance. Not to allow myself to justify the unjustifiable. For instance the spiritual axiom. Whenever I’m disturbed there’s something wrong with me.
Blaming others for whatever is going on that upsets me for some reason. Learning to back off and get honest. I might not like that, but it doesn’t matter what I like. Learning to go through the pain of surrender and acceptance.
This kind of thing is where I have to get someone else in the picture like a sponsor or a sober person, who knows what this program is about. Telling them what I’m thinking and then listening to what they have to say. Getting an open mind, so I can hear them.
Anyway, my reading reminded of things I know I have to pay attention to. Things, which have helped me to stay sober and maintain peace of mind and serenity. But I do know that there are defects, which can come up and surpise me. I remember one sponsor telling me that they can appear in disguise and I might not be able to recognize them. Found out he was right at the time.
Anyway, as usual I was thinking about sobriety and my readings are a good reminder to pay attention to what’s going on.