The meeting today was our monthly “chip” day. But it was more than that. It was a reminder to most of us that we don’t have this program made. That there is no cure to this disease of alcoholism. That it’s just a day at a time…all the time. And no graduation.
The reason I say this is that there were a couple of people in the room, who had some time in the program, but had gone back out and literally were coming back again. Made me stop and think, as I believe it did a lot of people in that room. That line in the BB in More About Alcoholism, which says that there may come a time in the life of an alcoholic, when he’ll have no mental defense against that first drink. And that no one can help us. Only the God of our understanding can do that.
What would take any of us out, I asked myself. The first thing I thought of was resentments. I’ve seen that over and over. And the longer we have these they build up within us. Probably because we won’t share these with another sober alcoholic. And after time I’ve seen some withdraw from the groups and on their own. And that’s almost a guarantee.
Then there are some of us, who suffer from the delusion, when everything seems to be going well for us, that we can drift into complacency. Another alcoholic trap for some of us. Again we find it difficult to tell others what is going on with us, and sometimes also withdraw from meetings. Why bother if everything is “okay”?
The other is when we allow our emotions, riled up by character defects, take over our thinking. We can find ourselves driving ourselves crazy with worry, anger, anxiety, and fear. And, again, not share any of this with others.
All of the above could lead us to begin entertaining the thought of a drink. But not always. Sometimes, like the BB said, all of a sudden we’re in a position, where the drink is available and then we’re confronted with the insanity that possessed us before. No mental defense against that first drink.
How do I know this? Trust me, I’ve been there. But fortunately I never drank. Truly a miracle. Often, except for one time, I had been talking to others, who helped me through my insanity. A problem shared is a problem cut in half. Just that one time, when I was about a year and a half sober, I ran into that statement in the BB. And then I was saved, when someone said to step out the door and say a prayer. I did and the thought went away. I hadn’t even thought about my Higher Power. But that brought Him back into the picture and I was saved.
However, thinking back over the years, I was probably in a state of complacency. Everything was going well. I probably was pushing myself into a state of insanity without really being aware. I probably would have been pushed by my sponsor and those old timers back into reality, if I had been willing to tell them what was going on.
But it did teach me a lesson I have never forgotten. To be open and honest about what’s going on in this crazy head of mine. I’m not perfect and still human, but I can get help at anytime, if I’m willing to ask for it. A prayer to my Higher Power. Some humility. Recognizing the pain, I sometimes ignore, and once again surrendering to my God and this program.
Just another lesson for me that I can’t stay sober by myself. I’m responsible for my sobriety. I have to put this program into action each day. That’s why I go to meetings and listen to the messages in there. I always need help and I get it, if I’m willing to take it.
How often someone comes to me and wants to share their problems with me. I sometimes ask myself, am I helping? Then I realize that I can only hope I can. It’s at that moment that I wake up to the fact, who has been helped? Me, of course and that makes me grateful that I was there to receive. I laugh, when I think I’m there to give, but it’s always me, who gets the benefit.
Just thinking about sobriety again.