Couldn’t help but notice today how often I can sit in solitude and just lose track of being able to focus on the moment. I’ll be sitting there, trying to think along spiritual lines, and find myself off into the future or someplace else. Everything but the moment, right now.
I guess it all depends on what’s on my mind to begin with. Thinking about my children. Children? Near their 50s. Whew! But with Christmas coming and a dozen other things, I’m off and running. None of this is helpful.
What is helpful is to remember just Who is in charge of my sobriety and my life. I owe so much to this program and the spiritual life. I need to be able to spend time alone and in silence for a period of time, trying to make a conscious contact with my Higher Power. It’s an essential part of my day that I attempt to do this. I try to start my day in quiet prayer and then some kind of brief meditation before I walk out the door.
I guess I’ve gone over all of this before, but today was especially irritating to me. Hard to keep focus. My thoughts, unconsciously, all over the place. I’m not even aware, until it suddenly hits me.
You’d think that after all this time I’d be better at this part of my program. Like Bill W. once said, I feel like a beginner at times. I know my life is peppered with defects, my faults, which make me aware of how human I still am. Perfection is still miles and miles away. Totally out of sight.
But then I’m aware of what my sponsor told me. I’ve heard the same thing from a lot of old timers. Keep on going. Never give up. Perseverance is an essential part of this program for me and so many others. It leads me to hope. Hope for improvement in all aspects of my program. And, when I arrive at some realization of how this program works for me (spiritual awakening, I guess) my faith is renewed and grows. And, when it does, my mind and heart opens to those around me.
I was thinking this evening, how conscious I was of those near to me today. My mind almost involuntarily was thinking of helping, without letting anyone know what I was doing. Where did that come from?
Anyway, without even being aware of it until this moment, I guess I really was thinking about this program and sobriety, despite my dumb grousing. I guess despite my faults my sobriety is still my primary purpose…and the people in this program. Reminds me to be grateful for all I have been given.